so because thinking is one of my hobbies... and often i am told i over think... (sheesh whatever) i thought i would take a small moment to record just a few of the questions that are on my mind... for the moment...
would i accept a gift from someone I love, knowing it will save people i love, but would require giving up ever seening a person i love the most?
should i tell friends i just use them?
which hurts more, laughing so hard i cried or crying so hard i laughed?
if God is everwhere, then why does it hurt so much to leave?
what if to live fully in the moment and make everyone happy would mean forgetting where I came from... forever!?
what if my future is just a blurry reflection of my past?
why do people always want to go out for dinner and drinks... does no one find it fun to stay at home?
what if there is no good or bad... just power... what would i be living for in that world and could i have friends?
what if i had a baby and loved it so much i hurt it?
who exactly said that a meal had to consist of meat and some random sides of veggies??... i don't think i like meat!!
"absents makes the heart grow founder"... who said that?... were they being sarcastic? don't people just forget you if your not around?
what if the one place i fit in, i was never allowed to be?
does swearing really make a difference?
can i take my own advice?
could i live with out music?
what if people i was meant to be close to never made an effort to listen to me, would i get tired of trying to tell them who i was?
what if premartial sex cut the divorce rate in half would christians still be so judgemental against it?
can i be what i say i want?
it flippin keeps on going... !!
so finding love is a beautiful thing. we all are in search of it, in one form or another... and i'll be honest... as much as i rave about the benefit of single living; the freedom, the adventure, the spontaneity.... At the heart of it, i'm just like everyone else... looking for love (and mostly in all the wrong places!)
Needless to say i have refused to let other peoples' opinion on how i treat my body influence me for the least. If i want to cut my hair, i cute my hair. if i want a tattoo on my head, i get a tattoo on my head. If i want to eat freaking chips while sitting on my friend sarah kitchen floor, i will sit on the floor and eat the whole bag of chips. AND If I want to piece the back of my neck, I WILL PIERCE THE BACK OF MY NECK!
Despite all the grimesis, groans, scrunched up faces, raised eyebrows, useless head shakes, and disapproving sighs... i have stood strong and proud of my beautiful new addition to the creative expression of my personality. MY NEW NECK PIERCING!
so much to my pleasure, yesterday i was standing at the Red Box, waiting as my friend sarah checked out a red box movie. there i was, innocently texting away and proudly being me... when who should appear but my knight in shinning metal (ok so it was mostly just facial metal.... but it works!) and in not so many words declare not only his undying love for me and my beauty but his eager desire to sweep me off my feet and carry me away to our happily ever after. Yes, it true... all girls want to be Princesses (ask James Godward... he read it in some book!) Of course i was speechless, but managed a genuine smile and a heart felt "yes" as i realize the true feeling of being completely accepted in one of my truest forms of myself.
it was a moment like this that made me seriously appreciate the world, people, and body jewelery... it just brings people together man. So, Summer love is real, it can happen, and sometimes you just have to be true to yourself to realize it!
*as a side note... sarah, my friend that was standing next to me checking out a movie from the red box, might tell you a completely different story about how some nasty biker guy asked if i had a neck piercing, in which i replied yes, and then he said cool and just walked into the jewel store, but come on, seriously!! who are you going to believe some girl that was completely distracted by the process of checking out a movie from the red box.... or ME a character in my very own Happily Ever After!?!?
Love is true and it can happen to you... if you are young at heart (and rocking a totally sexy neck piercing!)
i always wonder in life, why things happen... and most the time, want to take an aluminum bat to people the have the nerve to say "everything happens for a reason"... i mean sure, that is a nice packaged little statement, but most the time my life does not fit into packages.
its especially hard to understand when those happenings cause me some of the most gut twisting pain ever. I've been in America for 23 days... 23 long days. it feels well longer than that. the list of things I've had the chance to get involved in, the relationships that have been resorted, the battles fought, the visions dreamed, the new friendships made... the list goes on. I've learned how to trust God, how to be more honest with him, how he is moving flipping everywhere, how he can use the oddest situations to make you realize that you matter to him...
this week i had the immense honor to meet one of the girls that did Transit in America. A fiery woman, named Rachel, from N. Ireland, intensely gifted in art and uber passionate about being raw for Christ... and completely honest in her dream to stay in America, to keep on keeping on in the mission God has used her in....
her flight for N. Ireland leaves Tuesday.
The irony of how our lives are mirror images, connected us in a deep and wordless way. We've had a few conversations about our harsh realities and how disappointment can really get in the way of trusting God. But the business of helping host this the arts festival that was going on this week took most of our attention.
Today, with the arts festival having a successful end, we all ran away to an amazing wrap up pool party at a refreshing home in beautiful American suburbia. We grilled hamburgers, jumped in a cool pool, and divulged in brownie sundaes. Rachel and I found ourselves frolicking down to a lake covered in lily pads and just sparkling in the heat of the Midwestern summer sun. we had the honor of sharing our brokenness, our disappointments, our fears... and God in his awesomeness was able to use a time of immense pain in my life to instantly draw along this sister in christ and understand her pain and tho i had very few words of wisdom or comfort... the simple reality of being was enough.
it was an odd feeling to realize that I was living proof, that this amazingly strong women of faith, could go through this stage of leaving what she loved. That my story was living proof that God wasn't going to leave her or abandon her, but that just like he was there for me... he is going to be there for her. That the details of our lives matter a lot to him.. that he cared enough about me to get me to this prayer community to be inspired, encouraged, and used ... that he cares enough about her to bring people to help calm, support, and encourage...
then later on that afternoon we had the beautiful honor of watching this scared but immensely strong sister in Christ declare her faithfulness and obedience, as the spontaneous decision was made for her to be baptized. She declared her fears but also her faith. Despite all the pain, and confusion and unknown she dared to believe that God would stay true to his promises and she spoke out loud her commitment to follow him and commit all of herself to him. And in her moment of intense vulnerability, God showed up and confirmed her capability.
we then prayed over her. It broke my heart to see her face this time... i so was just there... its going to hurt... its going to be hard... there are going to be tears, but there was an incredible sense of peace, as God reminded us all that he is our Big Big Papa God and he's is right there even in the intense moments of pain!
To say that God keeps taking me places i never would have gone had i fully know what was involved, would be to say the least. For the past week getting involved at the Minneapolis, Mn Boiler House has been a process of seeing, making, and being art. My biggest contribution thus far to the week has been to make up the word "scaddie" and try and pass it off as a cool meaning of being uber artsy!
Ever so often i find myself shocked to a moment of pause and awe as i realize that i want to soak up every moment of what is happening. Minneapolis had a festival yesterday to celebrate water... Aquafest... or something like that. So a group of us from the boiler house jammed down there. We took a big board and all these roughly cut up pieces of cardboard. We also took all these drums and a few painting easels and loads of paints with us. We parked it up in this church parking lot and then we just celebrated. The evening was going pretty good and i was all soaking up the moment, thanking God for being great and just for letting us celebrate him. Little did i know how much we were going to celebrate!
About two hours later they tell us we are re-locating our "joy fest". I'm instructed to help carry over two huge coolers of sandwiches we had made earlier that day and we headed off down an away from the Aquafest celebrations. We walked about two blocks... maybe three blocks... and i was astonished by how the vibe of a city could change in a moment. We no longer were surrounded by heaps of white upper-middle class suburbaner out enjoying an evening parade. Instead the people that roughly were lining this street were doing so in an attempt to get a bed in one of the few shelters that the city offers.
Replacing the noise and celebration of water was the silence of trying to hush the reality of these forgotten ones lives. The street had no lights, no color, no vibe.... just a bland single line of hopeless people caught up in a hopeless system. the four of us that carried the sandwiches plumped the coolers down waked open the lids and then moves away. Slowly our parade of possibilities made it way down this dark street. Drums were set up, easels were opened, paint was unpacked, our cardboard prayer wall was propped up against the wall.
there we were two extremely different peoples, two extremely different cultures, with two extremely different realities capable of unfolding. As i stood there in that moment as the very street seemed to hold her breath... i just kept looking at the line of them vs. the line of us. What were were doing here? what were they do there? then slowly one brave soul stepped forward for a sandwich as another brave soul stepped forward to start a conversation. with in moments a reality had been chosen and it was one of JOY!
For the next two hours i had one of the best nights laughing with prostitutes, writing down prayer of a drunk man, dancing with some of the homeless, watching a desperate man beat out his song of celebration on the top of a newspaper vending machine, hug a displaced woman from Louisiana....
It was in that moment that i so appreciated a God that doesn't just exist in the places we think he would be, but one that shows up in the places we sometimes forget that He never leaves! Christ on the street... thats where it be at!
so i've been living in this 24-7 prayer community in Minneapolis, Minnesota.... learning loads of things like how to say meeennahhhhsoootahhh, how to be super artsy, and how to make coffee on one of the most complicated coffee makers... EVER!!
it has been well cool rocking up here. there is a group of girls from the state of georgia here and they crack me up because they think i sound super english and keep asking me... yes me... to teach them how to speak with a british accent (i think the entire island of britain would shudder at my attempts... but they don't know the difference... so life keeps on a'spinnin').
but seriously the boiler house here is intense. they are well into art and dance and music and they go crazy over everyones ability to express themselves. one of the first days i was here i was praying for God to just use this time to do what needs to be done. i felt like was being pulled a million directions. my family back in illinois, my friends in chicago, my new home to be in seattle, my lovelies from england and then this random calling in minneapolis... i just was like "dude God could you be anymore everywhere". and plugging into him is well easy, but who am i in these place!? so during this morning prayer god just really was like "come on girl... this is a modern time and i've well equipped you in this time to lead and support and gather".
i got so excited because i'm sitting here in minnesota hearing about my peeps in kosova rocking it up with prayer rooms, i being blown away by the strong and faithful in sycamore/dekalb, illinois just digging into raw worship times with our God, i'm getting all involved in minneapolis with the holy saints here loving God through art, i'm hanging on the words of my good friend sarah who is tearing it up in Kenya... and through out it all there is this firm foundation of all the experience and friendships i had in Essex, England and Gods like "come on tina... use it all to worship me". I'm buzzing off the high my friends and family are having with the holy spirit and am sooo eager to take a hit as well!
I literally ran out of the house i was staying in and called one of my girl friends, Ruth, in illinois and was like "ahhhhhhh can we pray about living in this vision of gathering... prayer, art, space, and worhsip". Ruth, who was currently on a mission trip to s. dakota was all "this is sooo God and sooo yes!" i'm well excited to just spend some time gathering the life experience and the stories of God and then spending a night just celebrating it! God wants us to be spurred on by what he is doing and that happens when we as the body of christ push each other to be all that we can in Christ!!
So a big thank you to my brothers and sisters in Christ for fighting the good fight and digging into what God has called you to because it is completely impacting the world in more ways than you know! Keep it real!
who would imagine i was this girl?
So, Sunday more i clammered out of bed trying to be on time, but failing desperately. For about a half hour i just keep rushing around trying to make life fit into the control of the kitchen microwave clock, but... its a lost battle. Defeated, i figure i better find a better way to make the most of this day. So i just waltz up to my room and decide to start the day the way I shoulda with God. Caught up in the moment i just can't help but praying for everyone I love and the journey that God is taking them on... spilling out my heart to him and my concern for my friends and family, time again gets away from me but this time i don't care... as i finished, i just felt so refreshed to be reminded that i'm not alone (how often i have to be reminded of that!). God also placed on my heart an urgency to meet up with this girl that i knew from my old university town.
So, I end up heading to my old university town to see if i can find this girl. Now i've been praying for my friends, and my old town the whole time i was in England, so it was bit surreal to trot in there and be face to face with that physical reality. It made me feel really small. But at the same time so good because this place i left just has an intense pulse for God that just rattles me. It makes me so thirsty for God and yet quenches me in a way i can't describe.
I end up reaching this girl that i needed to talk to and make a plan for meeting up with her later that afternoon. See, during my morning prayer, God really confirmed to me that i had to meet up with this girl today... I knew it was because i had to tell her something, but God wouldn't tell me what it is that i had to tell her. It is weird being a messenger, that lacks the message. She kept asking what exactly we were meeting up to do... I just said i wanted to pray with her... cuz dude i haven't seen this girl in like a year and didn't want to freak her out too bad.
But the reality is, the closer i get to meeting up with this girl the more intense the need to meet her was... but it was confusing as well because I still had no clue what I was suppose to say to her. I kept asking God "yeah, i know you want me to meet up with her, i am... so can you please let me in on what I am suppose to say to her?" But nothing... just silence and now I am minutes away from meeting up with this girl.
What follows can only be described as the masterful plan of our amazing God. As we are sitting there, in our designated meeting spot, I am completely astounded and honored to join the journey of this sister in Christ as she recounts her involvement in God's story. The buzz of what she has been through and how God has stirred her heart is intense and beautiful. Inwardly i'm shaking my head, because as this girl is pouring out her desire to dig into the ministry God has put on her life in my old university town, i'm hearing her spill out phrases and words that dripped from my lips this whole year i've been petitioning for this town to God.
And then, i know why i was brought here. For this time, for this place, for this girl, for this battle. God wanted me to anoint this girl and her ministry. Just like Samuel anointed King David in preparation for a life dedicated to God's Cause, God wanted me to pray the prayer of anointing, leadership, and blessing over this girl. I was shaking so violently on the inside and my eyes got as big as saucers... me??? this girl!?!?
and I knew... it was time to not be afraid anymore. That i had to be for Christ, so she could be for Christ, so that other people could come to be in Christ as well.
As i stood over this girl and spoke God's living plan into her life... the electricity of the moment jump started my passion for how God knows the plans He has in store for us... they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us! Being involved in that simple and completely powerful commissioning, was extreme. Just two girls, one in cut of shorts, both bare foot, sitting in a parking lots, with bugs crawling on our legs, and the vision of God unfolded right, flipping there in front of us. Never have the words that came out of my mouth sounded so powerful or so alive. The heaviness of that moment has imprinted itself on my heart and as we stood in our simple surrounding, I just heard the army of heaven yell "Come On"! As we left that soft grass spot, we no longer walked away two simply summer clad girls, but Warrior Brides; fully dressed for battle, commissioned, and equipped to lead for Christ!
can i just say that one of my most favorite things about being back in america is driving! And not just any kind of driving, but the old ghetto character driving. I rocked up to my parents house where they kindly let me stay this summer (big kiss) AND they gave me the keys to my very own ghetto-gas guzzling Ford Explore! can i get a woop woop!?!?
so yesterday i had to be famous in Dekalb... took my new party machine and rolled over there. Little in life compares to having the freedom of controlling my very own death defying act! Remember that movie "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken"?... i love that movie... there is this character in that movie Cliff... a young guy that is always searching for his very own "Death Defying Act". He has such satisfaction on his face when he shows the main character, Senora, how he defies death. Yeah that was the look on my face as i flew down Route 38. Windows down, the broken radio forever to be left on loud, no right indicator, shakes like hell if i go over 60 (and you know i can't keep her under 65!) and the ever comfort of the red "check engine" light!
It was amazing. As i flew down the road, it was just so comfortable. i didn't have to think of where i was going, or how traffic flows, or how to actually reach my end destination... i just knew. To top it off, there is no place like home, when i can jam out to Ninty-Seven Zee O.K. radio... my favs like Rob Thomas, Beyonce, Pink, and Jaimee Fox... Zippin past loads of space, corn field after corn field, huge houses sporting big flowing american flags, taco bells on my right and on my left, big ass American TRUCKS... i just smiled and soaked in the pleasure of a perfect midwestern summer day.
Driving down that road... owning a bit of that space... it felt good to be me again. Good to have that control, but the best of all, just having the wind in my hair and belting out out "Halo" by Beyonce! Nothing beats singing in the car... Freedom in her purest form!
About Me
- Teen Bean
- I'm just some regular girl trying her best to be a good friend, woman, christ-follower, wife, mom and adventurer (in no particular order). I love variety, trying new things and meeting new people and sharing experiences with others. All of which in one form or another can be found in this space. WELCOME!
Heart Heart Time!
Stevie and Beanie
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