So last week I submitted my first round of thesis draft. I totally expected to get it back and was on the edge of my seat as I waited patiently for my professor to review all 120 pages of my thesis (poor man!). I received my thesis back on Sunday and was intructed to "polish it".

So spit and polish it I did. For over 15 hours I have re-arranged paragraphs, re-title headings, re-grouped thoughts, deleted conclusion, re-wrote intros, and double-triple checked my citations... every time i look at it I think "oo should I change this? or that"... I feel like it could never end!

However, as of one hour ago I proudly held (in the way any student these days can hold an electric version of their written work) my brightly shinning 127 page thesis....

As I gazed at my glowing laptop screen and all the polished work I had just gone through, I almost was expecting the blue genie from Aladin to pop out and say "what are your three wishes"...

and so post-polishing thesis/ blue genie appearance these are my three wishes (in ascending order of importance)

#1 I wish my thesis was actually helpful to people interested in starting European Prayer Communities

#2 I wish that one day I get to do all the things I wrote about in my thesis

#3 I wish I was in steve's arms right now and never had to leave!

Now i get to wait and see if all that polishing really gets me my genie ???

I'm finding more and more that these two words "Structure" and "Leadership", when spoken in regard to the formation of Christ-centered community, can conjure up so many different emotions. In just one room of seven young church leaders I found happy passionate support, fearful uncertainty, blatant hatred, annoyed mediocrity, and questioning doubt.... Why do these words make people so afraid/emotional?

Sometimes when I run into situations like this I get confused, but then I remember it was not that long ago that I would have counted myself in many of those negative categories.

My bigger question is #1 have I settled by apparently coming 360 degrees in my view of church structure, leadership, and community?

#2 is there a third way to be a leader in a church? One that isn't structured and is structured at the same time?

#3 how do I help people understand that if the church is meant to grow we need to be constantly changing s the people that fill those churches and the roles and structures that are created.

so my thesis is done... i woke up on Monday and thought to myself, "now what?" its been going on two years that I have been constantly nagged by books to read, articles to review, projects to think up, papers to write, and a thesis to nail down. But as of Sunday April 8th I submitted the last of my school assignments and the hundred and thirty page thesis that was born.

so what does a girl do when she wakes up fresh on a Monday morning to the sound of two over hyper squirrels playing tag on her roof and the sun fighting to break through the dark black out blanket that hangs over her bedroom window??? why by George she bakes....

And so bake I did. I went to the store and bought a humongo bag of chocolate chips and then scoured the tinternet for the best "secret" ingredient... I decided on cinnamon... and bake away i did until i had over 6 dozen chocolate chip cookies to my name...
after the whole experience of wearing my bathrobe all day and pulling warm melty cookies out of the oven... I was simply beaming... but the cool thing came when I started handing out said cookies. people are always so happy to get a cookie... and trust me, tho i am sure these cookies tasted great they were not the best looking cookies (most were quite wonky!)

ever sense I just keep thinking... i want to get better at this cookie making business... I found this website called tablespoon.com... it is freaking awesome and totally inspired me more...
I think I want to be a cookie baker blesser! hahaha... i want to find all the best cookie recipes there are, make them and then spend the week afterward finding people to give them away to and chat with...

then i really started thinking about this cookie baking hoopla and I thought... "why not invite other people to come over and get involved too" what if I chose a day every week that was cookie day and we would make cookies all day... pray into the cookie, laugh, and try and be creative.. and then go out and spread all the cookie wonder around to the people we know and love... we could take them to work, to school, to our neighbors, to the bus stop, to the homeless shelter! everyone loves a home baked cookies... why not share love that way!?!?

i like my cookie blessaking ministry! its going to be a hit! i just know it!

so what a surprise. I met JamieDee when we both volunteers at the 24-7 Minneapolis Boiler Room, aka Source, two summers ago. We only spent 15 days together. but they were a damn good 15 days. After we parted ways she went back to Atlanta, GA and I headed off to Chicago... A few months later I moved to Seattle, WA... and then a few months after that Jamie moved to Berkley, CA... we both were starting school and finding our footing in new places, but we tried to stay in touch when we could. I rang her when Steve came for visits... and when we got engaged... she always was so happy and supportive... I really appreciate her friendship.

WELL! randomly she rang me and announced she was just a few hours away from Seattle and she was on her way up and wondered if we could meet up... I WAS OVERJOYED! of course I wanted to see her... It was a manic week for me, thesis rough drafts being due and work... but the day she arrived I managed to steal away from my books and work for a gorgeous sunny spring day in Seattle. We walked along the waterfront, instantly started debating Church, Christian leadership, and the marginalized. I got to met her amazing friends and they totally were awesome dealing with my overdepthness in conversations.

We ended up at the Space Needle where there is an amazing Labyrinth set up underneath it. It was such an honor for the 5 of us to stop and prayer walk through this labyrinth in the middle of the busy seattle city. and the cool thing that happened... as we started doing this labyrinth all these other people started joining in. kids and adults were just so excited to walk through this labyrinth... and the statements that were said

"wow am i going the right way"

"this is taking forever"

"i love this!"

"is there only one way?"

"are we being tricked?"

"hahahahaha!!"

"its a race!"

"this is so fun!"

all these statements so reminded me of different times I have experienced in my faith journey... i found myself deeply moved by how the people around cane remind me so much sweeter of how Jesus has been near me all the time I have similarly yelled those types of statements out... yet again... I LOVE LABYRINTHS!

my rough draft of my thesis is done....

i have surrivied the most manic month of my life ever.... from hosting my friend laura, to helping my church Scum plan vision and mission meetings, to having my brother and his gf come, to laying down over 100 pages of a thesis, to celebrating my hunny-loves 29th birthday, to applying for visa applications, to booking tickets to England....

and there is still another week left...

as a side note... the "active" life of a thesis writer has left me 10 pounds heavier.... and vastly out of shape... or more shapely (however you want to call it)... went to the gym for the first time today...

Jess (my roomie) and I both kept saying over and over... "i can't wait until we have more time to waste at the gym"... it does the body good...

21 days until grad school finishes

29 days until i fly to England to see my stevie

45 days until I graduate

128 days until my last day of work at Evergreen hospital

138 days until I MARRY STEPHEN JAMES LAWTON!!!


one big final count down!!

A friend has come to visit me from Chicago. I really enjoy hosting people, and even though a serious of misfortune events does seem to follow us where ever we go, we are fully enjoying getting to re-know each other despite an almost 3 years separation from our college-glory days.

most of our conversations revolve around boys, relationships, and confusion. I must admit for the first time I find myself in a different and slightly awkward position then I ever have been in before... I'm not the girl pining away over a lost love, nor the girl disappointed by inevitable let down, nor even the girl nervously trying to ignore a ridiculous crush... I am simply and completely happy in love...

my friend, though supportive often finds this a tad irritating and annoying (though I have to give her props, Steve is always on my mind... and we all know from experience whatever is on my mind usually is what I am talking about :P)

However, the intensity of 'loves had' and 'loves lost' has never been more present then in my recent conversations.

We spoke today at length on how groups of good girlfriends can (or can not) have serious partners with out compromising their current girl friendships. How can a normal girl that is use to 'understanding' the plights and woes of the young single woman suddenly trade sides in the middle of the game? Have I let down my fellow female comrades by so easily and completely falling in love with the man of my dreams?

How can one girl give her whole heart over to a man and still have anything more to give to her friends? Does a girl inevitably have to choose... whoes verses bros?

I must admit this slightly had my mind in a tizzy. My life, by definition and call, has been about my girlfriends. I pride myself on being able to make any girl, not just a friend but a best friend. I don't take friendship lightly. If I count you as a friend, its more then just a matter of having your back... it a depth of loyalty that knows no ends. For 25 years my girlfriends were the only ones that shared my burdens, supported my fears, developed my 'mother hen' caring tactics... with out my girls I wouldn't know up from down....

so, have i done them a dishonor by falling so deeply and perfectly in love with a man?

I considered for a moment some of those fist pumping overly feminist rallies I went too in college and the multiple late night gab session my lady friends and I regularly shared, and my curiosity increased.

By all means, I had multiple examples of how girls could start dating boys only to drop completely out of their regular social circles to focus their attention on a boyfriend relationship... I had seen the damage of those types of girls actions to their girl group of friends...the hurtful loss... and I was bound never to be that girl.

As my friend and I sat on the ferry bound for Seattle, we talked about if the love between a man and a woman should be different then the love between a woman and her core group of friends. I was surprised by this idea of two loves. I had thought for so long that love was just love. Yet, the more I spoke with my friend, the more I realized the different types of love that exist in this world.

I deeply love my fiance and soon to be husband Steve.

I also deeply love my girlfriends.

As our conversation was coming to a close I realized how silly we had been the whole time trying to hash out who becomes more loved in a woman's life... I realized we were silly, because me falling desperately in love with Steve only makes me a better woman. It makes me more understanding, loyalty, well-spoken, gentle, peaceful, strong, careful, fearless and soooo many other powerful characteristic...

The reality is... for all of my 25 years of growing up, before I met my fiance, my relationship with my girlfriends was helping me become a women that would be better at loving him... and now for the last two years and hopefully for the next 100+++ years my relationship with my fiance and soon to be husband will be helping me become a better woman that is more capable of loving my girlfriends.

If I were to stop loving Steve with my everything, it would hinder my ability to more fully and completely love the woman God has so wonderfully allowed me to befriend... and that just can't happen!

My relationship with my fiances is wildly different then my relationship with my girlfriends...but because both are founded on God's love ... they support and nurture each other.

There is no limit to love... the more I love.... the more I am capable of loving.

another section of my thesis finished. My goal this week is to finish another section by the end of this week. Then I only have two more to finish. wow time is running out fast....

but i am enjoying the process.... and, i think, learning lots!