my rough draft of my thesis is done....

i have surrivied the most manic month of my life ever.... from hosting my friend laura, to helping my church Scum plan vision and mission meetings, to having my brother and his gf come, to laying down over 100 pages of a thesis, to celebrating my hunny-loves 29th birthday, to applying for visa applications, to booking tickets to England....

and there is still another week left...

as a side note... the "active" life of a thesis writer has left me 10 pounds heavier.... and vastly out of shape... or more shapely (however you want to call it)... went to the gym for the first time today...

Jess (my roomie) and I both kept saying over and over... "i can't wait until we have more time to waste at the gym"... it does the body good...

21 days until grad school finishes

29 days until i fly to England to see my stevie

45 days until I graduate

128 days until my last day of work at Evergreen hospital

138 days until I MARRY STEPHEN JAMES LAWTON!!!


one big final count down!!

A friend has come to visit me from Chicago. I really enjoy hosting people, and even though a serious of misfortune events does seem to follow us where ever we go, we are fully enjoying getting to re-know each other despite an almost 3 years separation from our college-glory days.

most of our conversations revolve around boys, relationships, and confusion. I must admit for the first time I find myself in a different and slightly awkward position then I ever have been in before... I'm not the girl pining away over a lost love, nor the girl disappointed by inevitable let down, nor even the girl nervously trying to ignore a ridiculous crush... I am simply and completely happy in love...

my friend, though supportive often finds this a tad irritating and annoying (though I have to give her props, Steve is always on my mind... and we all know from experience whatever is on my mind usually is what I am talking about :P)

However, the intensity of 'loves had' and 'loves lost' has never been more present then in my recent conversations.

We spoke today at length on how groups of good girlfriends can (or can not) have serious partners with out compromising their current girl friendships. How can a normal girl that is use to 'understanding' the plights and woes of the young single woman suddenly trade sides in the middle of the game? Have I let down my fellow female comrades by so easily and completely falling in love with the man of my dreams?

How can one girl give her whole heart over to a man and still have anything more to give to her friends? Does a girl inevitably have to choose... whoes verses bros?

I must admit this slightly had my mind in a tizzy. My life, by definition and call, has been about my girlfriends. I pride myself on being able to make any girl, not just a friend but a best friend. I don't take friendship lightly. If I count you as a friend, its more then just a matter of having your back... it a depth of loyalty that knows no ends. For 25 years my girlfriends were the only ones that shared my burdens, supported my fears, developed my 'mother hen' caring tactics... with out my girls I wouldn't know up from down....

so, have i done them a dishonor by falling so deeply and perfectly in love with a man?

I considered for a moment some of those fist pumping overly feminist rallies I went too in college and the multiple late night gab session my lady friends and I regularly shared, and my curiosity increased.

By all means, I had multiple examples of how girls could start dating boys only to drop completely out of their regular social circles to focus their attention on a boyfriend relationship... I had seen the damage of those types of girls actions to their girl group of friends...the hurtful loss... and I was bound never to be that girl.

As my friend and I sat on the ferry bound for Seattle, we talked about if the love between a man and a woman should be different then the love between a woman and her core group of friends. I was surprised by this idea of two loves. I had thought for so long that love was just love. Yet, the more I spoke with my friend, the more I realized the different types of love that exist in this world.

I deeply love my fiance and soon to be husband Steve.

I also deeply love my girlfriends.

As our conversation was coming to a close I realized how silly we had been the whole time trying to hash out who becomes more loved in a woman's life... I realized we were silly, because me falling desperately in love with Steve only makes me a better woman. It makes me more understanding, loyalty, well-spoken, gentle, peaceful, strong, careful, fearless and soooo many other powerful characteristic...

The reality is... for all of my 25 years of growing up, before I met my fiance, my relationship with my girlfriends was helping me become a women that would be better at loving him... and now for the last two years and hopefully for the next 100+++ years my relationship with my fiance and soon to be husband will be helping me become a better woman that is more capable of loving my girlfriends.

If I were to stop loving Steve with my everything, it would hinder my ability to more fully and completely love the woman God has so wonderfully allowed me to befriend... and that just can't happen!

My relationship with my fiances is wildly different then my relationship with my girlfriends...but because both are founded on God's love ... they support and nurture each other.

There is no limit to love... the more I love.... the more I am capable of loving.

another section of my thesis finished. My goal this week is to finish another section by the end of this week. Then I only have two more to finish. wow time is running out fast....

but i am enjoying the process.... and, i think, learning lots!

its interesting being asked into a role of leadership at a church. all i know is that its very important to do things right from the beginning. the church has asked me to facilitate as they plan their mission, vision, strategy, and roles. I am really excited to serve them in this way, sense over the last two years this has been the efforts of my degree.

I also am finding it easier to gather material on this topic as I presently am writing my thesis almost on the exact same topic. I am excited by the idea of Leading them through some of the key points of what it takes to develop the local community. It is going to be an interesting journey. That is for sure.

we have our first meeting on wednesday. I have been advised not to let the meeting go longer then one hour and to have a very timely and strategic plan for our time together. for this reason my first point of conversation will focus on developing each personal leader and helping them figure out where they stand as leaders, what is important to them, how they want to serve, and what type of leader they they do not want to become.
roughly I am thinking this will come through figuring out

*what each leader's personality is
*what each leader's love language is
*identified "bad" and "good" leadership moment
*developing personal vision and mission statement.

that in and of itself is a lot of work for a first meeting... so we shall see if i keep all those things. My bottom line question is it important for leaders to enjoy each others company? is that vital to the success of strategic planning?

interesting...

bean

today I went to my classmates fiance's funeral. It was such a privilege to be a part of honoring this man of God. I only ever had the chance to meet him once, but the way my friend talked about him completing her, inspiring her, loving every bit of her personality, it was incredible.

i thought she would just talk all about what she lost... about what she didn't get to have... but it was one of the most beautiful things as my friends stood on that stage and spoke from her heart about the joy of getting to feel the ultimate fullness of love, of being honored to be in a completely deep and honoring relationship with the man that she loved, to have experienced for 7 months and to continue to experience the full extent of God's grace.

she truly was one of the most inspiring people I have been blessed to know.

I still can't wrap my head around it, and walking up to my friend afterwards and giving her a hug and a kiss was one of the most heart crushing moment... i'm still processing it all, but as we drove oh our car load was jut overwhelmed by how powerful it was to see a so many people have joy even in the midst of pain.

all those promises God has made to us, just became that much more real.

Almost done with all my interviews for my thesis....

only two more to go... eeeee we are getting close to the finish line people!

It was really good to have Valentine's Day on this monday. I know that a lot of people hate this day, because it is so "commercial"... one of my roommates has a tradition to wear black on this day and to call it the "day of morning". I know it can go over the top a little some times, but I found today really... nice.

It was good to hear some of the people I love the most stop and say "Hey, you know I love you". I appreciated that today. In this moment and in this time. I have a lot of reasons to be happy and feel love.

my friends and I are still hurting over our lost friend, we will for a while. This is truth. But if I have learned any lesson over this weekend its to appreciate each day you have, each love you have, in the moment you have it, to love with everything you have.

steve comforted me over this weekend when he reminded me of Romans 12

9-10Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply

this is me on Valentines Day.