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Pregnant!?!?!? Why I sad-cried for the first 3 months and that's ok!

Posted by Teen Bean in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Big fat tears, and they were not tears of joy people. I was sitting at work watching that pure white window form a plus sign signally that, yes indeed, my biggest and worst fear was being revealed. I was pregnant. I couldn’t think of anything worse… I know lots of people in this world want nothing more then what they refer to as a “little pink buddies of joy”, but for all you women out there that find yourself peeing on a stick (and possibly very badly as it actually isn’t that easy to pee on a pregnancy stick and not get it EVERYWHERE) and instead feel rushes of panic, dread, sadness and grief, you get where I am coming from.

I’d spent all of my childhood hearing how horrible it would be if I ended up pregnant. Thank God I was married, or as my very Christian up bringing taught me, my life would have been a complete waste… which only in my adulthood have I come to realise is a complete load of WANK! Not Christianity, but the message of horror/failure for unplanned and out of wedlock pregnancy…. sometimes those pregnancies are the best kind!. However, I digress. Following this childhood stage of life was the bi-polar stage of young adulthood. Which resulted in a dramatic switch of messages soon after I turned 20. Now everyone (especially my mother) expected my young and ticking womb to be gasping for a baby. This was and SHOULD be completely normal (according to some). Every time someone brought a baby into the room they automatically assumed, because I was female, a Christian, of responsible childbearing age and (later in my twenties) married, that I would fall desperately in love with their baby and probably want to take it to every baby group in a 50 miles radius. Uhh Thank you very much, but NO! 

See, the out-come of brining up this young woman to be head-strong and want the best the world has to offer is that I believed I could actually achieve my world-changing dreams by traveling, education myself, focusing on my career and taking any and every adventure that came my way. Babies don’t fit into that type of life mission statement. I wanted to make something of myself. Sticking a bun in my oven and then having to pour all of my best years in an animal like halfing was not the way I was going to change the world. 

I was going to build something. I was going to make something of myself. I was going to change this broken world for the better. Besides, who in their right mind would bring a baby into such a messed up world… there is way to much crime, poverty, hunger, violence, debauchery and disease in this world to make it fit for a baby. 

Then the guilt set in. I remember thinking if I ever did get pregnant then it would have to be in a season when I was excited, happy, prepared and ready for IT (I could even say baby). Now I was ruining what was meant to be one of the most special season in my life. All the crying and “how could I let this happen to me” moments were making me more nauseas then the morning sickness. I was already setting my kid up for therapy because when I told him/her about the reaction I had when I found out I was pregnant, that big fat crocodile tears streamed down my face, not just for one day, but for 3 solid months, they were sure to hate me and label me the worst mom in the universe. 

In my heart of hearts I knew one day I wanted kids, but NOT THIS DAY. What I would have done to have a pause button on that pregnancy stick! Just a few more years and I am sure I would have been all sorts of ready (right right right!?!?). 

I quickly started shoving down my emotions and feeling because sadness, anger, regret and grief… these are not good emotions to be having as a young(ish) pregnant woman. I was suppose to be “blooming”. I was suppose to be spilling over with joy, excitement and anticipation. Why wasn’t I feeling these things? Was I a bad mom? A bad wife? A overall failure at being a woman!?!?! 

Forty weeks later I welcomed into the world a slimy, blurry-eyed, bundle of scary. My daughter. Six months later and she is still alive! #selfiehighfive We finally are getting to a little season where I can think about something besides her poo, eating and sleeping habits and I started wondering back to those early days of my pregnancy. 

The guilt started to flood back all anew. Not only because I still sympathised with my old self, but because there was still bits of me that longed so deeply for some of those early world changing dreams. 

I’ve been to a number of different baby/toddler groups over the last 6 months (God help me) and one of the scariest things I heard moms or dads do is talk about their lives like all the good days are gone. That all the potential they had in the world is over and if any good happens now it is down to their kids to live out their dreams for them because they spent all their dream fulfilling days up. This made my heart really sad. If this is true was this why I cried for 3 months when I found out I was pregnant?

It got me to pondering. I started reading lots of self help books and my bible (ok probably not as much of my bible as I should, but it was there!). I started HONESTLY question who I am, what I stand for and why my reaction and behaviour is the way it is. I prayed a lot (if by pray you mean I question everything about God and why life is the way it is while looking upwards).

Ahh prayer is a funny thing… it didn’t so much change what was happening to me, but it has this magical way of changing how I respond and think about what is going on to and around me. And I learned a few things along the way.

One thing I came to learn is that we can take the things that happen and be bitter and negative and look at them from a half glass empty, or (as cheesy as this sounds) we can try and see the good in what is happening to us, our emotions and behaviour. It’s our choice, but the outcome and quality of life is completely different depending on which you chose. I decided to choose the later… and it opened up a whole new world of realisation. 

I did cry for the first three months of being pregnant and honestly it was because I was sad and heart-broken. But was that sadness and heartbrokenness about my baby or something else? In all my reflecting I remembered being told once that when we say good-bye and we find ourself crying, sad and heart-broken we should be proud. Because it showed that in that season of life or place or relationship we gave our everything, we gave fully with our hearts. There is nothing wrong to being sad about that kind of good-bye. 

I also realised that having a heart fuelled by passion meant that I was going to have big dreams for changing this world for the better and that my heart would ALWAYS yearn for that until the job was done. That’s what tenacity is; a very unique human response and something also I should be proud of. Feelings of frustration, sadness, regret and anger were signs of my tenacity, my secret super power. If I was careful to keep in control of my emotions and not let them control I could use my secret super power to make me a better person, to keep the passion of my heart kindled and burning during a season of testing, change and strength building. God created all emotion and deemed them all good… it’s how we react to emotions or how they can twist the truth around us that makes them bad. 

See the reality is that in that in that season of life before I had kids, I was OWNING IT! I have no regrets, I ran with everything I had. Life was good because I wasn’t living by halves I was living in the fullness and greatness of adventure that God had promised. This is good, but that season in my life was coming to an end… and its ok to be sad and to grieve the good-bye because it was good. But God has something even better planned for this next season and it BUILDS on what I learned, accomplished and strived for in the season before I had children. Woah… I better read that again!

The last revelation I have to share is one that is just starting to reveal itself. Every day since I read that pregnancy stick I have been trying harder to be a better person. Some people don’t have to have kids to do this, but for me… being honest and looking back on it now… it was the only way I was going to actually learn some of the lessons I needed to learn and softening my  proud heart. 

My daughter, Savanna Pixie Lawton, is the best thing that has every happened to me because she challenges me to be a better person. She challenges me to think deeper, to try harder, to want good change more deeply than ever before. She teaches me every day how to be more… more patient, more kind, more friendly more caring…. She is hand wrapping skills and qualities for me that are actually going to HELP ME ACCOMPLISH ALL THE THINGS MY HEART SO DESPERATELY YEARNS FOR. 

So yes, I cried hard when I found out I was pregnant… and I will be proud to tell her that… because I realise now they were tears of celebration for what I had lived and survived through and they were tear of joy yet to be found and life yet to be lived.

My life by NO MEANS IS OVER! And there is no way I am going to lob that expectation onto my daughter or any other future children we have, that it is “now up to them” to accomplish all the dream that I had to “throw away”. NO WAY… it is because of my child(ren) that I am finally going to be able to do the things I always dreamed of. I will have to do it differently, I will have to be more creative, I will have to work harder, I will have to be more… But with Savanna and Her Dad by my side and God in my heart, all that I ever wanted and dreamed is now more possible then ever!

So whatever stage of change you find yourself in now; whether you’re about to be a new mom or dad or are leaving a job or moving to a new place or ending a long relationship or life is just change at a crazy fast rate and your not sure for the better… 
Give yourself space to reflect honestly
Be proud of sad good-byes
Remember all feelings are good and find out how to celebrate what you are feeling
Challenge yourself to be better at being you in what you are going through
Find the joy in where life is taking you
Take responsibility for staying true to yourself and making your dreams come true. No one else is going to do that for you! 

Then and only then will you be comfortable and proud of yourself enough to take on each day. And even when your days aren’t crazy exciting or changing the world in exactly the way you planned you can with confidence say you are building something, making a difference and changing the world… start first with yourself, and the change you want to see in the world will follow.

Tears people… now we have tears of pure joy! 


P.S. I’m still not crazy about baby/toddler groups or your baby so don’t ask!

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The Ultimate Insider

Posted by Teen Bean in , , , , , ,

You know this whole 'moving to England to be with the love of my life' has been awesome... but the one down side is that more often then not I feel like an 'outsider' rather then an 'insider'.

Most the time I completely don't even notice because I love learning new things and meeting new people... However!! I've gotten used to really noticing this feeling in extreme cases of exclusion or clued-outness (mostly conversation topic wise).

I must admit I wasn't fully prepared for the positive awesome feeling of experiencing, not the out-ness of an outsider, but the In-ness of an insider!

The other day when Claire (my husbands eldest sister) called me and said that Denise (his mom) and Hannah (his litter sister) were wondering if they could come to Colchester to celebrate Claire's birthday with me over a lunch or tea I have never felt like more of an INSIDER!! in my whole life!

It was in that moment that I realized I'm not just some girl that came to live with some boy in England trying my best to be some version of a good wife. But I am actually someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend.

They didn't have to consider me. For a long time its just been the three ladies of their family... but they chose to remember me.

I miss my American family every day. They know and understand a part of me that not many people will ever experience. They can NEVER be replace. But I love that they showed me a love that wasn't limited but constantly expanding!

So that in moments like these I can learn to love more, learn to be family more!

Love isn't divided; it's multiplied! 

I can't thank steve's family enough for never making me feel like an outsider, but always... ALWAY making me feel like the ultimate insider as a sister and daughter!

I heart my growing family!
 

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Guest Post from Meet-Up CEO via my email inbox: Powerful 9/11 Community Story

Posted by Teen Bean in , , ,


* Meet up is a powerful networking website that helps people interested in any variety of topic(s)
actually get off the internet and meet each other in their local community. I find it really worthwhile....
check it out if you don't know what it is about... then read this inspirational post their CEO just
emailed out!

http://www.meetup.com/


Fellow Meetuppers,

I don't write to our whole community often, but this week is
special because it's the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and many
people don't know that Meetup is a 9/11 baby.

Let me tell you the Meetup story. I was living a couple miles
from the Twin Towers, and I was the kind of person who thought
local community doesn't matter much if we've got the internet
and tv. The only time I thought about my neighbors was when I
hoped they wouldn't bother me.

When the towers fell, I found myself talking to more neighbors
in the days after 9/11 than ever before. People said hello to
neighbors (next-door and across the city) who they'd normally
ignore. People were looking after each other, helping each
other, and meeting up with each other. You know, being
neighborly.

A lot of people were thinking that maybe 9/11 could bring
people together in a lasting way. So the idea for Meetup was
born: Could we use the internet to get off the internet -- and
grow local communities?

We didn't know if it would work. Most people thought it was a
crazy idea -- especially because terrorism is designed to make
people distrust one another.

A small team came together, and we launched Meetup 9 months
after 9/11.

Today, almost 10 years and 10 million Meetuppers later, it's
working. Every day, thousands of Meetups happen. Moms Meetups,
Small Business Meetups, Fitness Meetups... a wild variety of
100,000 Meetup Groups with not much in common -- except one
thing.

Every Meetup starts with people simply saying hello to
neighbors. And what often happens next is still amazing to me.
They grow businesses and bands together, they teach and
motivate each other, they babysit each other's kids and find
other ways to work together. They have fun and find solace
together. They make friends and form powerful community. It's
powerful stuff.

It's a wonderful revolution in local community, and it's thanks
to everyone who shows up.

Meetups aren't about 9/11, but they may not be happening if it
weren't for 9/11.

9/11 didn't make us too scared to go outside or talk to
strangers. 9/11 didn't rip us apart. No, we're building new
community together!!!!

The towers fell, but we rise up. And we're just getting started
with these Meetups.

Scott Heiferman (on behalf of 80 people at Meetup HQ)
Co-Founder & CEO, Meetup
New York City
September 2011

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what is truth?

Posted by Teen Bean in , , , , ,

Its popular in church pioneer efforts and emergent churches to really want to" stick it to the man"... maybe a better way to say it is, a deep desire to let go of the institutional way church has settled into western society.


as churches perfect the "business of church" pastors become CEO's, elders become "board members", and the church community becomes "members" or "consumers".

so how do new church expressions break away from this cycle?

that has been the topic of conversation at my local church "Scum of the Earth". For those of you who don't know, Scum of the Earth Seattle is a church plant from the Scum of the Earth Denver church that was started by the punk band Five Iron Frenzy.

I don't really know much more about the church history, other then there is deep recoil from systems, structures, and the idea of an organize or institutionalized religion. Sounds good doesn't it? Especially if you find yourself a post-modern baby that has grown to love the art of "hating" or put more PC "the art of deconstruction".

But really where does this leave the development of the church? Over the last 6(ish) months I have been very honored to sit in on some meetings as my loyal, passionate, and young church leaders started wrestling with developing the growth of their church.

As hour meetings turned into two hour long, and then 3 hour long meetings...As planning sessions were labeled "to be continued".... I began to wonder about this new way of being...

in the long of it all... you know what we came to find? we hate "titles" and "labels"...

so you know what we did... we labeled titles "non-title" labels and now we hold our breath and wonder if it will make a difference...

Instead of a Lead Pastor, or Assistant Pastor, or a Music Director... we opted more to refer to our leaders by their names and then a "talk to me if you are interested in worship, prayer, etc" describing what they knew or did through the chrurch. (Scum of the Earth Denver).

I'll go with it if it going to make a difference, but i hesitate a bit.... the only reason for my hesitation is I don't get "pretending" to be something different... when really the same structure as before is being used, just different clothes are being put on?

Then I wonder if my attitude is more shaped by the culture I live in or am I letting the culture I live in shape me? I don't know. Trying to be a church and trying to be different is hard... just as hard as it was back when the first churches were being born. Our struggles are the same (we just blog about them now instead of staying up all night throwing ashes on our head in prayer and lamenting).

All this is to ask? is there a good structure for church? should leaders be known in that structure? does putting people "in charge" only herald the days of institution and the heresy of empty religion?

As my church leaders wrapped another meeting and put the dot dot dot out until our next gathering I just tried to stay centered on our one connecting point that churches should model Family and that each family is an intentional community.

I also ran into a church that had organized "small groups" or "discipleship groups" that referred to themselves as being a part of a sonships and daughterships (playing off Jesus call for us to following him as disciples and sons and daughters).... I like the sounds of these and will bring them to my next church meeting as we try and find title for our "leaders" and small groups that represent family and also give everyone in our church community a sense of belonging and involvement...

what types of title are in your church? what is your church model?


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