so how do i deal with pain?

Posted by Teen Bean

so the question that has been haunting me for 24 hours and leaving me in multiple times as a raging ball of tears was answered in the wise world of Paul

Hebrews 11
Faith in What We Don't See
1-2The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

3By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

4By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

5-6By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

7By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land. He was warned about something he couldn't see, and acted on what he was told. The result? His family was saved. His act of faith drew a sharp line between the evil of the unbelieving world and the rightness of the believing world. As a result, Noah became intimate with God.

8-10By an act of faith, Abraham said yes to God's call to travel to an unknown place that would become his home. When he left he had no idea where he was going. By an act of faith he lived in the country promised him, lived as a stranger camping in tents. Isaac and Jacob did the same, living under the same promise. Abraham did it by keeping his eye on an unseen city with real, eternal foundations—the City designed and built by God.

11-12By faith, barren Sarah was able to become pregnant, old woman as she was at the time, because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said. That's how it happened that from one man's dead and shriveled loins there are now people numbering into the millions.

13-16Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

17-19By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him—and this after he had already been told, "Your descendants shall come from Isaac." Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. In a sense, that's what happened when he received Isaac back, alive from off the altar.

20By an act of faith, Isaac reached into the future as he blessed Jacob and Esau.

21By an act of faith, Jacob on his deathbed blessed each of Joseph's sons in turn, blessing them with God's blessing, not his own—as he bowed worshipfully upon his staff.

22By an act of faith, Joseph, while dying, prophesied the exodus of Israel, and made arrangements for his own burial.

23By an act of faith, Moses' parents hid him away for three months after his birth. They saw the child's beauty, and they braved the king's decree.

24-28By faith, Moses, when grown, refused the privileges of the Egyptian royal house. He chose a hard life with God's people rather than an opportunistic soft life of sin with the oppressors. He valued suffering in the Messiah's camp far greater than Egyptian wealth because he was looking ahead, anticipating the payoff. By an act of faith, he turned his heel on Egypt, indifferent to the king's blind rage. He had his eye on the One no eye can see, and kept right on going. By an act of faith, he kept the Passover Feast and sprinkled Passover blood on each house so that the destroyer of the firstborn wouldn't touch them.

29By an act of faith, Israel walked through the Red Sea on dry ground. The Egyptians tried it and drowned.

30By faith, the Israelites marched around the walls of Jericho for seven days, and the walls fell flat.

31By an act of faith, Rahab, the Jericho harlot, welcomed the spies and escaped the destruction that came on those who refused to trust God.

32-38I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more— Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets....Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world.

39-40Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours.

Amen, Amen, Amen

out of control

Posted by Teen Bean

Went for Thai Food tonight. It was in this little town outside of Seattle. I met about 10 co-workers. As we were having dinner, the conversation ended up going really deep and talking about how young girls can be sexually abused/taken advantage of.

The shock was really hard to take in. In school we have been reading loads about vulnerable children and the horrible conditions they are subjected to. I have been blowing through the readings, because I refused to put a face to any of these children or their situations.

Tonight at dinner all those children started having faces and started being friends daughters, co-workers children, my cousins baby girl... I got so angry I went quiet.

How could God let this happen? I mean seriously??? I know the textbook answer is that God doesn't want hurt to happen, that its just a result of a broken world... but for some reason when young girls I know are getting raped, that answer doesn't measure up.

I am so angry that it hurts, I'm so sad that i makes me mad, I'm so annoyed that it makes me cry.

I can't answer this one. Praying a bit earlier I get that the emotions I am feeling are shallow in comparison to what God feels for his hurting children... but why the eff is there still so much pain? i feel like the world is spinning out of control and there is no one strong enough or gentle enough to stop it in a way that will leave any of us as survivors...

Is there any sanity in this messed up world????

I love turtles!!!!

Posted by Teen Bean

My friend, Carmi, from N.Z. came for a very short visit. One day we went to one of the local universities and rented canoes and went canoeing out on this random little bay.

it was so interesting because the water was interwoven under neath these massive highways... so 100 feet above us traffic was zooming by at a completely higher speed then the ridiculously still water we canoed through...

then we rounded a corner and ran into these wonderful turtles just basking on a log in the lovely warm sun. I never got so close to a "wild turtle" but I was just so amazing by creation and the two different worlds that could pretty much exist in the same space!!

it reminded me how sometimes we can get so crazy busy we don't see the beauty of just slowing down and seeing "the sun bathing turtles"

Healthcare and Spirituality

Posted by Teen Bean

I had to write a paper on spirituality and healing..... this was what i came up with

Course: Health, Healing, and the Kingdom of God

Prayer is powerful. Christians have been slapping this slogan of spiritual power on t-shirts, bummer stickers, and bibles for decades, but how seriously does spiritually affect humans? As western society works to separate spirituality from the physical reality, medical science has been highly affected. The affect on medical science is demonstrated by the priority of logic, physical laws, and reproducible over faith, prayers, and miracles with in healthcare. Medical workers should recognize healthcare as a process of reconciliation between humans and God. This occurs as healthcare practices healing and prevention of death, which allows more opportunities for life and the experience of God’s promise of reconciliation.

Healthcare, as a tool of spirituality, is one of the most vital forms of spiritual development. In a world that lives on extremes, the reality is that healthcare is a matter of life and death. When God originally made humans He made them as eternal beings. When Adam and Eve sinned they were cursed with death (Genesis 3). Since that moment humans have been fighting for their very lives. As healthcare progresses in western culture the exclusion of spirituality has resulted in a mutated understand of healing and wholeness. Humans are viewed as machines that need preventative maintenance instead of beings made up of mind, body, and soul. As a healthcare worker I have witnessed how separate care for mind, body and soul fails to bring holistic and lasting healing.

Healthcare that recognizes the soul/spirit to have an effect on health and healing understands the importance of incorporating spiritual care into the healthcare practice. The danger of incorporating spiritual care is entering into the spiritual warfare occurring between the devil and God. The bible clearly states that the devil has come to kill and destroy (John 10:10). Death as the result of sin is being used by the devil to eternally separated humans from God. As healthcare workers prevent death and offer healing they are directly opposing the work of evil. Long (2006) supported this idea that healthcare workers, especially Christians, can view their work as temporary physical representations that are foretelling the permanent spiritual healing and reconciliation of humans with God.

In conclusion, Jesus has fulfilled and is fulfilling the promises of God in His victory over death. Healthcare workers, especially Christian healthcare workers, should be encouraged to incorporate the use of faith, prayers, and miracles into their healthcare practices, because God’s promise is victory over death. When healthcare workers understand their authority and power over death and incorporate spiritually into healthcare practices, they will see development of faith, prayers, and miracles, which ultimately will lead to holistic healing and humans reconciled with God.


Posted by Teen Bean

so labyrinths are these old things... weaving journey's that leads to a center and then back out again... (think Celtic monks!)

as i was doing some research i was learning about how the pattern came to be...

so below is a demonstration of how a labyrinth can be draw... this particular one is known as a "Seed Pattern".
the cool things was reading how the process of drawing a labyrinth takes the basic concept of the square and the basic concepts of a circle and merges them. This is known as "squaring a circle (i.e. accomplishing the impossible)" Kern, 2000 'Through the Labyrinth'.

Kern also went on to write how the labyrinth is a symbol of uniting two world views. As i was reading all i could think about was Wolterstorfs description of the "Third Way" in his book Justice. Wolterstorf discussed the importance of not choosing violence or non-violence, but looking to Jesus as the ultimate author of the Third Way Movement. Jesus wonderfully displayed a merging of the two very different world view of right vs wrong to call his followers to a higher way. Jesus taught on poverty he didn't approve people ignoring or people just giving to it ... but called his disciples to lives of poverty. Jesus instructed his disciples to not run away from violence or to fight against it but to stand in the midst and simple turn the other cheek.

I was incredibly excited to read how the very basic structure of labyrinths can represent a deep and powerful way of living... and I haven't even begun to dive into understanding how praying and walking through a labyrinth can further the faith journey.

Tran-Siberian Railroad

Posted by Teen Bean

so went to the hostel today. they were having a Traveling 101 about taking the Tran-Siberian Railroad. Let me say going into it i was like "hmm whats this about?" coming out of it i am like "DUDE WHERE CAN I BOOK MY TICKET!?!"

it was actually amazing to learn some of the letters and ways of the Russian language. To learn that you can get a train that will take you through st. petersberg, moscow, and all the way through to china!! wot!?!? and for only $200 dollars!??! you have to be kidding me! its prolly because i am a little dense, but this concept was overwhelming and awe inspiring to me!

then just learning the fun of how you can't take this train ride with out consuming loads of vodka, sharing bread and cheese, and just chillax for 33 hours on random trains with the common Russian makes me so excited to give this a try.
most of all seeing a picture of the St. Basil church in Moscow has me absolutely screaming to get to Russia! i think it is beautiful there and definitely have just listed it as one of my top places to visit before i die!

oh and on a side note... did you know there are 8 time zones in russia... but all the trains run on moscow time!! interesting huh!?!?


Posted by Teen Bean

My cousin visited this weekend. Its nice having family around. as we were talking she just sounded so much like my family (because she is) i just kept thinking "ooo i miss my family!"

its weird being in this place where you want to be in like 5 different places at the same time. I love where i grew up and the fun memories Dixon brings. haha nothing will replace those memories of doing afternoon paper route, the crazy loveland community building workers that had the nerve to kick us out of their sprinklers, the neighborhood boys i used to have rouse with, or driving the green machine the 8 block over the peoria bridge to sweet Dixon High School.

at the same time, I desperately miss Dekalb life. My first true moment of freedom. College was my ridiculous growth time. You might as well have called me a weed and doused me in Miraclegro. It seemed like every month i was breaking out of another shell and getting more to the core of who i was and what i wanted to be. I miss my friend there and the incredible amount of laughs we had.

then England and the specialness of digging in. Dedicating a year to God probably was one of the best moves I ever made. I look in the mirror sometimes now and am absolutely astounded to see how many prayer I prayed in England have come true over the last two years! I desperately miss the kids on bus and wonder about so many of them and their lives and if they are ok. I miss my house mates and our intensely girly house. I mostly miss us all laughing together!

and now here i am in Seattle. Loving this city. finding a group of people to worship with, to pray with, to take care of, to count on. School is changing my life, fall in seattle is like my ultimate favorite weather, and i love knowing where the good clubs are and the good place to get cinnamon rolls.

shheshhh its crazy how so many places, so many people can all be so special... but yet we have to chose just one place to be... life is crazy like that!

Thesis Teaser

Posted by Teen Bean

have you ever had questions so deep they made you ask deeper questions and then even risk asking the deepest question ...


have you ever wanted to be a part of a story? to have something solid to rely on to look to for guidance? to be a solid edge to jump from?

have you ever wanted to feel alive? so alive that ever breath seemed to make your heart surge with a crisp passion to be what you dream of being while simultaneously forming that reality of that dream?

have you ever trusted enough to open your ears to really hear and see the answers to what you are looking for?

have you ever just wanted to know what faith really is all about?

"Deep, Deeper, Deepest Questions: A Labyrinth, A Life, A Listener; A Relationship of Faith"

Kosovo - The Young Europeans

Posted by Teen Bean

I had to research this for my "Children at Risk" class and thought i would share it here as well...

Kosova was a nation that was heavily oppressed by the Serbian nation. In 1992 the people of Kosovo held free election and established their own government. In 1998 the Serbian government started cracking down on Kosovo army. Soon Serbia was slashing, burning, and leveling complete villages in Kosovo. In 1999 NATO began a bombing campaign that eventual lead to the leader of Serbia with drawing from the Kosovo nation.

“The devastation left over one million refuges and internationally displaced person. 300,000 people with out shelter, an estimated 14,000 dead, and mass graves containing bodies of up to one hundred civilians, including women and children.” (

Focusing in after the war on children today, the struggle within an improvised Kosovo is challenging. Children are often seen as burden on families. With the entire population struggling with a near 80% unemployment rate, parents, children, elderly, young, men, and women are forced to dig through heap of garbage to search for food and recyclable goods. A new generation of children is being breed within the poverty of Kosovo where it is commonplace for children to go uneducated, for parents to neglect their children, even for children to be seen as commodities to be sold into human slavery.

But Kosovo’s story doesn’t stop here. With all that it has endured, all the pain, the lives lost… there is still a story of hope. Kosovo is a nation born through her people. A people determined to live lives of peace and unity. Kosovo was born because her people were willing to make a stand. Willing to dream. Willing to believe that with hard work, love for family, and devotion to community they could live full and meaningful lives. The challenge today is to not let the new generation of children forget who they are and what they come from. Its through remembering their story that Kosovo children and families, men and women, young and old will once again dream, once again join hands in unity, and once again live full and meaningful lives of peace.

“Kosovo is now making efforts to rebuild their broken community.” (
Remember, Dream, Rebuild… they will!



Posted by Teen Bean

just spent an intensive week reading 300++ pages about child poverty, then watched Born into Brothels... it was an intense week.

today i've written two papers and 3 forum responses... plus read another 100+ pages on spirituality and healing...

grad school why do you haunt me!!?!?!?

nah really i enjoy it, its just like on the weekend i like to get my sunday nap and i had to miss it this round :(

hope i remember everything.

My cousing Shelly comes from the midwest this Thursday. I am looking forward to showing her around seattle... and hitting up a few of my fav tourist spot... can i help it that i LOVE taking people on tour guides?

on a side note... i just realized Rick Stevens is from Seattle and pretty much i am model my thesis after his travel guide books. i wonder if he would have a sit down coffee with me? I wonder what i would ask him????

school and distractions = settlin

Posted by Teen Bean

so we are back in full swing of school. i should be reading the 200+++ assignment that i have due thursday... but when you can look at wedding stuff who the freak cares about school!?!?

i went out for ethiopian food tonight with a couple that i bought a mattress from earlier this year. it was good to meet some new faces and hear some new stories.

i started working on my save the dates for the wedding... but really how much can you work on that when you don't yet have a date to save for your wedding??

i miss steve a lot these days. how can we really only have been apart for a week and a day? it feels like an eternity!! deep breath...

i've started thinking more that i might do some sort of tour guide book for my thesis based on Labyrinths and then guide people through a prayer journey... just need to figure out the direction and all. I went to a second hand book store and bought like 5 travel books to start getting ideas and inspiration.

we are having a labor day party on monday and hope to meet some of our neighbors. today me and my roomie jess went to get groceries and Stanley a very nice older gentleman (that was crushing cans near our apt) very nicely helped us carry in our purchases. I get a really good vibe from our neighborhood... even tho everyone says it is a really scary place to live... i like it!

still trying to work on rhythms and intention. but sense one of our roomies is still out of town we are not pushing anything just yet. getting settled then going to push into that area of intention. should be good!

i'm fairly good in life... the only time i stress is when i realize how far away england is from me and get scared that steve is to away from me... but you know one day at a time... and when ever i freak really bad i call steve crying and he makes me laugh and then i realize that life is actually really good and we are going to be fine...

I have also found that Sugarland is a perfect remedy for a gloomy girl...