maybe the world isn't so bad?

Posted by Teen Bean

so the boys at work know how to make a girl happy...

"food speaks louder then words!" paired with the "the way to Tina's heart is through her tummy" made my surprize at work so meaningful! wink wink.

for no reason what so ever one of the guys i work with brought me subway today! probably because i rave about how much i love their veggie sandwiches and the reality that you can pair sun chips wit this delight... ahhh

and that he remembered all my favorite made this very evening a surprise and joy!

but what was even cooler was that as i munched on my lovelies i noticed that both the water bottle that i was drinking out of and the chip bag i was eating from had statement about how they were going green. Dansani... which is a product owned by coca-cola has introduced plantbottles... which are 100% recyclable bottle that are made in large part from plant materials.

I then glanced down at my sunchips bag and noticed that it to was sporting a 100% compostable package. it was even more fun to get on the sunchip website and see that they as a company are looking into ways of encouraging environmental sustainability and innovative projects (ahh i'm finding a passion that is becoming close to my heart).

so as i finished licking the last of my finger and polishing off every crumb of my unexpected snack... i found myself even more pleased with the unexpected positive reality of big corporations taking the time to care a little bit more about the world we live in... it was all i ever asked! little dreams coming true! wink wink

love ya boys!

Rain Heavy Rain

Posted by Teen Bean

In an attempt to avoid home work i have done.... nothing... all day long. I tried to pay my taxes, but lost a form, so can't do that until the person that reissues them is in the office (wednesday!?!).

that beings said i have been freezing all day. It has been raining in seattle (awwright!)

i think maybe a bit of music would help motivate me to engaged in some good old fashion studying....

but the ipod is on the other side of the room and that would require me standing up!

i also have an overwhelming seems of nervousness.... it feels weird and i am not really sure what it is rooted in?

finals? practiucm? possible moving? papers? presentations? added responsibilities at work? steve coming to visit? going home to see my family?

i think it might be a little bit of everything... all the little things have all the sudden started feeling very heavy indeed!

lappy back

Posted by Teen Bean

ah the world as we know it has centered again...

i have just gotten my lappy back from the mac store....

and thanx to apple care didn't have to pay one cent to have it fixed...

fyi: with out the precious apple care i would have forked over $1333.00 for this repair...

thank you God for apple care

i heart my mac!

oh what you find when ur lappy is broken and you spend your time reading your jouranl!

Posted by Teen Bean

where are you @ NOW?

you asked me where i am now?
i stopped, shocked, and looked around
its been so much about the past
and building a future that wouldn't last
that i had forgotten about the now...

until you asked.

did you know i was covering my life with a lie?

so i answer you simply

"i'm here, its fine"

but oh the darkness of my world

draping me
raping me
consuming my soul,
using me
abusing me
just covering the holes

the crippling of my very existence...

I FEEL IT... a gun
pressed against my head.
i fall to my knees
i'm addicted to the lead

the kiss
the cold
the game
the spin

go ahead

pull the trigger.

the love.
the rush.

damn i hate this figure.

because there are no words for what i am.
and i don't want them-
words make things real
and i want this to be a dream

because right now
life feels like a nightmare
and i'm making it what it is,
i gave it my fair share
and i thought i acted that way
because i care

how high am i?

i cared so much i lost it all
and now i'm left
not standing so tall
screaming at God
my fucking life call

and now it feels like God has a gun to my head
angrily demanding something to be said
of who i am and what i do
but what can i say
failure is all i do

then he's yelling "you'd think i'd die for you?"
then He's forcing me down on my knees

i close my eyes and let
my insides scream out
"End this now God,
let that gun fucking shout!
This now i'm living is
not what life's about"


hand to death,
its not God holding the gun
but me,
with some twisted game of fun

a broken

and it's not God who yells the
failures of me
but echoes of my own voice
condemning me

the kiss
the cold
the game
the spin

laying it down
laying it all down

death does not become me

brilliant time with sally!

Posted by Teen Bean

ahhh i am already hating tomorrow because i will have to take sally to the airport... booo! i was so nervous on her coming and why!?!? she is amazing... she has been so extremely nice to me... listening to me, letting me ask hard questions, letting me blab on about how much i love steve! haha she has been very kind, indeed!

we have had some really refreshing talks and it was just so lovely to hear some great updated info on a community, people, and family that i left behind in england... it was good to hear the prayer house is alive and kicking too!

it was fun to see sally get that sparkle in her eye when she talks about the dreams she hopes for in prayer and God and community....

it was fun to hear about life... big, messy, crazy, funny, joyful life!

i got all used to finally having someone around that likes to have tea (i got her fruit tea don't worry) all the time and who always answers with just that much high of a tone in their voice (ahh the english accent... must you go!?!?!).

its been a brilliant weekend i hate for it to end...

finish what you started...

Posted by Teen Bean

so i've been reading through 2 Corinthians... i know that often we need to be careful when we read the bible that we don't take specific messages that were meant for one people, in one culture, in one time and crazy apply them to our lives...

that being said... i kinda did it anyways while i was reading chapter 8.

"The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale. Your heart's been in the right place all along. You've got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it. Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can't. The heart regulates the hands."

it got me to thinking where i was at this time last year. I was living in England, on my discipleships year, crazy committing to God, thinking i would stay on there forever, knowing that for first time ever- by joining in with what God was already doing- i could do things bigger then i ever dreamed or imagined...

and then life journeyed on. my discipleship year ended, i left england, i moved to a seattle, got a new job, started a new graduate program... and then pressed in.

i've had some weird moments along they way... wanting community so bad it became my god- so i lost it. wanting to build the church so bad- it became my idol- so i lost it. learning in a new place that often the worst kinds of sacrifice and pain are not physical but spiritual and also crazy learning the ultimate paradox that while being hungry i can be feed, that while being in pain i can be joyful, while letting go i can be receiving.

and then the kicker- the blinders fell off and i realized indeed i had all the things i was crying out to God for. community through classmates, roommates, and neighbors, pioneering of church through campus prayer nights, saturday coffee shop study sessions, and happy hour crawls... flip, even the community prayer room was provided when i had an "ahhh ha" moment and realized every hospital has a prayer room!

this weekend Sally Harmon comes to visit me. she was one of the leader in the 24-7 Prayer community and i have been stressing a bit. I mean, going on my "transit" year was all about an intensive learning experience of how to be in the real world.

and now...

here i am... but is it enough? did i learn enough from a group of people i admire so much, who sacrificed time, energy, and money on my behalf? for a moment i thought "maybe not.."

but today through, an encouraging letter that Paul wrote to a group of faithful believers in Corinth, God reminded me of where my heart was... where it is. How mostly i care about loving him and giving him glory. i haven't always done it in the right way and sometimes i fall, but more then ever, i know that i have indeed started something in the name of God and by his power and through his promises, i will finish it!

3pm -midnight = best happy hour crawll ever

Posted by Teen Bean

the following famous kirkland pub crawl...

it all began quite innocently 3pm dirty martinis at Vo Vina...

4:13pm traveled to the docks (where any good respectable girl would go...)

4:36pm got some Klassy with a K photos...

5:07pm tiki joes... what stated as one round of skittle shots

turned in to two thanx to Julio...

6:32pm fuel and sangrias at Jalisco Mexican Restaurant... and of course a pee break

7:15 traveling to irish pub

7:19 night cap.. and dessert... gone long irish pub style!

10:53pm drop offs to seattle

11:09pm arrive at Tina's apt

Midnight change to comfy clothes... done well... done very well!

I saw bravery today!!

Posted by Teen Bean

So i had to take a step back and really examine myself. A really good childhood friend of mine headed off to Kuwait recently to honor her commitment to the army. The reality is sense our childhood days this friend and i haven't really spend much time in each others lives. We had two glorious summers together laughing at nothing, painting barns, and laying in front of fans to cool down from the summer heat.

All that laughing and joy and dreaming ... we had no idea how are lives would part, how those journey's would weave randomly together, how we were about to experience the world very differently. When highs school ended we happily laid down our friendship and started a new journey. The joy and anticipation we had for continuing to live and dream made our parting a thing of wonder and joy.

The funny thing is, when you are 17 and 18.... and you head off to college... you rarely realize how those good-byes in the fall often are good-byes for life. This friend and i really were so crazy about living life to the fullest that our random meeting ups through colleges were just ones filled with more of the same laughter, joy, and dreaming that we had as kids, but now came out as we shared our life experiences and our hopes to do more.

She randomly was at my baptism (one of the most spiritual mile stones of my life). I was able to go to her wedding a couple summers ago (i'm guessing one of the bigger mile stones of her life)....

We have a beautiful example of loving each other while living lives apart. Facebook and emails has made us staying together easier lately... but even with a lack of these, i know that her and my friendship was one that was formed in the foundations of forever.

The one things i realized that has changed a bit was our attitude. This became most evident, when as my beloved childhood friend got on a plane and flew to the other side of the world to serve our country, risking her life... and yet through it all remains joyful... she recently sent out an 'I'm ok e-mail' that had this statement in it...

"God is guiding me every step of the way, and I have wonderful battle buddies right along side of me. It will be a challenge, I am sure of that; but I also know that I will look back on this year for the rest of my life."

WOW....I mean come on... WOW!! Often in my life my times of reflection are when the "harsh and negative" have just become to much... when the hard times, the struggles, the battles... are just points of anger-discontent- even malice...
But what became so crystal clear to me in this moment was, as Christian... as children of God... we should be about the fruits of the spirit...

"love, joy, peace, patients, kindness, goodness, and self-control".... i was so proud of my friend for not only taking these lessons to heart, but living them out in her ever day... scary, hard, dedicated, joyful, God-blessed life!

so thank you my friend... i saw bravery today... and i saw it in you!

and yet again we are woven together in the way that matters most- encouraging each other to fight the good fight, to finish the race, to keep the faith!

Love you Cassie! Praying for you always!!!

am i increasing poverty by being lazy!?!?

Posted by Teen Bean

I've been intensely studying poverty over the last two terms of school. The subject is massive and often times overwhelming. There is a distinct desire to get involved personally and put a stop to the cruelty and abuse that is causing poverty; yet at the same time there still is this odd separation and distancing that i do. m

These last two weeks we turned our focus to the environment, agriculture, and natural resources as aspects of development and sources of progress to end poverty. The more i read i was shocked to realize how little i have ever even considered them as important priorities in my life. (which is really sad considering one of the first call God gives man is to take care of the land... hmmm!)

Then i did my classic separation and distancing move... i mean i have never dump hundreds of thousands of gallons of toxins in to a river, nor have build dams that displayed millions of people, nor did i write policies that encourage the abuse of the voiceless poor natural resources. But the easy i had in separating and distancing myself didn't come so easy this time...

I started to reflect on ways that i simply just lazy. how i leave a stack of dishes and then have to take 3 to 4 more gallons of water to scrub those crusty plates clean, or how often i simply can't be bothered to separate my recycling, or many hours i waste on fb sifting through meaningless photos or status update instead of going out to build face to face relationships with people.

I realized how my laziness... my lack of discipline... directly is responsible to adding to the burden of poverty that afflicts millions. that being said, i realized that the best way to fight poverty is to stop being lazy! to find a place in yourself to be disciplined enough to be conscious of how much precious clean water i just let run down the drain, how long my showers are, how often i leave lights on in empty rooms, how often i leave chargers plugged in, how often i don't use public transport in the name of being "in a hurry". or how often getting lost in internet googling makes me skype daily prayer or run out of time to do my bible reading...

I have really big dreams. i want to run hostel one day that is beautifully married to prayer community. I want that hostel to be help hurting people, encourage people to journey with God. I want that hostel to be environmentally friendly, i want it to be as green as possible. I want it to be a source of relief for the poor not another system that takes advantage of them. I dream of tourism ending poverty. I dream of having a garden and learning about the beauty of agriculture and helping use that physical process of planting and growing to teach youth responsibility, self worth, and spiritual awakening. I dream of having a well trained pet pig!

If it can't start now... in the small stuff, like structuring my day to make the most of every hour, or meal planning so i don't waste loads of perfectly good food just because it was at the back of the frig, or setting out two bins: one for recycling and one for garbage... if i can't be responsible with the things God has given me now... what makes me think that when i am responsible for the big stuff like a hostel, or a garden, or my pet pig... that all the sudden i will have the balls to sacrifice and put into them in a proper way so that both the process and the end is considered good!?!?!?

Laziness causes poverty. I'm not about poverty... so i can't be about laziness... here's to March and Ending Laziness to End Poverty. a