where are you @ NOW?

you asked me where i am now?
i stopped, shocked, and looked around
its been so much about the past
and building a future that wouldn't last
that i had forgotten about the now...

until you asked.

did you know i was covering my life with a lie?

so i answer you simply

"i'm here, its fine"

but oh the darkness of my world

draping me
raping me
consuming my soul,
using me
abusing me
just covering the holes

the crippling of my very existence...

I FEEL IT... a gun
pressed against my head.
i fall to my knees
i'm addicted to the lead

the kiss
the cold
the game
the spin

go ahead

pull the trigger.

the love.
the rush.

damn i hate this figure.

why?
because there are no words for what i am.
and i don't want them-
words make things real
and i want this to be a dream

why?
because right now
life feels like a nightmare
and i'm making it what it is,
i gave it my fair share
and i thought i acted that way
because i care

how high am i?

i cared so much i lost it all
and now i'm left
not standing so tall
screaming at God
YOU
MESSED
UP
my fucking life call

and now it feels like God has a gun to my head
angrily demanding something to be said
of who i am and what i do
but what can i say
failure is all i do

then he's yelling "you'd think i'd die for you?"
then He's forcing me down on my knees

i close my eyes and let
my insides scream out
"End this now God,
let that gun fucking shout!
This now i'm living is
not what life's about"

SILENCE

hand to death,
its not God holding the gun
but me,
obsessed
with some twisted game of fun

a broken
reality

and it's not God who yells the
failures of me
but echoes of my own voice
condemning me

the kiss
the cold
the game
the spin

laying it down
laying it all down

death does not become me