Big fat tears, and they were not tears of joy people. I was sitting at work watching that pure white window form a plus sign signally that, yes indeed, my biggest and worst fear was being revealed. I was pregnant. I couldn’t think of anything worse… I know lots of people in this world want nothing more then what they refer to as a “little pink buddies of joy”, but for all you women out there that find yourself peeing on a stick (and possibly very badly as it actually isn’t that easy to pee on a pregnancy stick and not get it EVERYWHERE) and instead feel rushes of panic, dread, sadness and grief, you get where I am coming from.
I’d spent all of my childhood hearing how horrible it would be if I ended up pregnant. Thank God I was married, or as my very Christian up bringing taught me, my life would have been a complete waste… which only in my adulthood have I come to realise is a complete load of WANK! Not Christianity, but the message of horror/failure for unplanned and out of wedlock pregnancy…. sometimes those pregnancies are the best kind!. However, I digress. Following this childhood stage of life was the bi-polar stage of young adulthood. Which resulted in a dramatic switch of messages soon after I turned 20. Now everyone (especially my mother) expected my young and ticking womb to be gasping for a baby. This was and SHOULD be completely normal (according to some). Every time someone brought a baby into the room they automatically assumed, because I was female, a Christian, of responsible childbearing age and (later in my twenties) married, that I would fall desperately in love with their baby and probably want to take it to every baby group in a 50 miles radius. Uhh Thank you very much, but NO!
See, the out-come of brining up this young woman to be head-strong and want the best the world has to offer is that I believed I could actually achieve my world-changing dreams by traveling, education myself, focusing on my career and taking any and every adventure that came my way. Babies don’t fit into that type of life mission statement. I wanted to make something of myself. Sticking a bun in my oven and then having to pour all of my best years in an animal like halfing was not the way I was going to change the world.
I was going to build something. I was going to make something of myself. I was going to change this broken world for the better. Besides, who in their right mind would bring a baby into such a messed up world… there is way to much crime, poverty, hunger, violence, debauchery and disease in this world to make it fit for a baby.
Then the guilt set in. I remember thinking if I ever did get pregnant then it would have to be in a season when I was excited, happy, prepared and ready for IT (I could even say baby). Now I was ruining what was meant to be one of the most special season in my life. All the crying and “how could I let this happen to me” moments were making me more nauseas then the morning sickness. I was already setting my kid up for therapy because when I told him/her about the reaction I had when I found out I was pregnant, that big fat crocodile tears streamed down my face, not just for one day, but for 3 solid months, they were sure to hate me and label me the worst mom in the universe.
In my heart of hearts I knew one day I wanted kids, but NOT THIS DAY. What I would have done to have a pause button on that pregnancy stick! Just a few more years and I am sure I would have been all sorts of ready (right right right!?!?).
I quickly started shoving down my emotions and feeling because sadness, anger, regret and grief… these are not good emotions to be having as a young(ish) pregnant woman. I was suppose to be “blooming”. I was suppose to be spilling over with joy, excitement and anticipation. Why wasn’t I feeling these things? Was I a bad mom? A bad wife? A overall failure at being a woman!?!?!
Forty weeks later I welcomed into the world a slimy, blurry-eyed, bundle of scary. My daughter. Six months later and she is still alive! #selfiehighfive We finally are getting to a little season where I can think about something besides her poo, eating and sleeping habits and I started wondering back to those early days of my pregnancy.
The guilt started to flood back all anew. Not only because I still sympathised with my old self, but because there was still bits of me that longed so deeply for some of those early world changing dreams.
I’ve been to a number of different baby/toddler groups over the last 6 months (God help me) and one of the scariest things I heard moms or dads do is talk about their lives like all the good days are gone. That all the potential they had in the world is over and if any good happens now it is down to their kids to live out their dreams for them because they spent all their dream fulfilling days up. This made my heart really sad. If this is true was this why I cried for 3 months when I found out I was pregnant?
It got me to pondering. I started reading lots of self help books and my bible (ok probably not as much of my bible as I should, but it was there!). I started HONESTLY question who I am, what I stand for and why my reaction and behaviour is the way it is. I prayed a lot (if by pray you mean I question everything about God and why life is the way it is while looking upwards).
Ahh prayer is a funny thing… it didn’t so much change what was happening to me, but it has this magical way of changing how I respond and think about what is going on to and around me. And I learned a few things along the way.
One thing I came to learn is that we can take the things that happen and be bitter and negative and look at them from a half glass empty, or (as cheesy as this sounds) we can try and see the good in what is happening to us, our emotions and behaviour. It’s our choice, but the outcome and quality of life is completely different depending on which you chose. I decided to choose the later… and it opened up a whole new world of realisation.
I did cry for the first three months of being pregnant and honestly it was because I was sad and heart-broken. But was that sadness and heartbrokenness about my baby or something else? In all my reflecting I remembered being told once that when we say good-bye and we find ourself crying, sad and heart-broken we should be proud. Because it showed that in that season of life or place or relationship we gave our everything, we gave fully with our hearts. There is nothing wrong to being sad about that kind of good-bye.
I also realised that having a heart fuelled by passion meant that I was going to have big dreams for changing this world for the better and that my heart would ALWAYS yearn for that until the job was done. That’s what tenacity is; a very unique human response and something also I should be proud of. Feelings of frustration, sadness, regret and anger were signs of my tenacity, my secret super power. If I was careful to keep in control of my emotions and not let them control I could use my secret super power to make me a better person, to keep the passion of my heart kindled and burning during a season of testing, change and strength building. God created all emotion and deemed them all good… it’s how we react to emotions or how they can twist the truth around us that makes them bad.
See the reality is that in that in that season of life before I had kids, I was OWNING IT! I have no regrets, I ran with everything I had. Life was good because I wasn’t living by halves I was living in the fullness and greatness of adventure that God had promised. This is good, but that season in my life was coming to an end… and its ok to be sad and to grieve the good-bye because it was good. But God has something even better planned for this next season and it BUILDS on what I learned, accomplished and strived for in the season before I had children. Woah… I better read that again!
The last revelation I have to share is one that is just starting to reveal itself. Every day since I read that pregnancy stick I have been trying harder to be a better person. Some people don’t have to have kids to do this, but for me… being honest and looking back on it now… it was the only way I was going to actually learn some of the lessons I needed to learn and softening my proud heart.
My daughter, Savanna Pixie Lawton, is the best thing that has every happened to me because she challenges me to be a better person. She challenges me to think deeper, to try harder, to want good change more deeply than ever before. She teaches me every day how to be more… more patient, more kind, more friendly more caring…. She is hand wrapping skills and qualities for me that are actually going to HELP ME ACCOMPLISH ALL THE THINGS MY HEART SO DESPERATELY YEARNS FOR.
So yes, I cried hard when I found out I was pregnant… and I will be proud to tell her that… because I realise now they were tears of celebration for what I had lived and survived through and they were tear of joy yet to be found and life yet to be lived.
My life by NO MEANS IS OVER! And there is no way I am going to lob that expectation onto my daughter or any other future children we have, that it is “now up to them” to accomplish all the dream that I had to “throw away”. NO WAY… it is because of my child(ren) that I am finally going to be able to do the things I always dreamed of. I will have to do it differently, I will have to be more creative, I will have to work harder, I will have to be more… But with Savanna and Her Dad by my side and God in my heart, all that I ever wanted and dreamed is now more possible then ever!
So whatever stage of change you find yourself in now; whether you’re about to be a new mom or dad or are leaving a job or moving to a new place or ending a long relationship or life is just change at a crazy fast rate and your not sure for the better…
Give yourself space to reflect honestly
Be proud of sad good-byes
Remember all feelings are good and find out how to celebrate what you are feeling
Challenge yourself to be better at being you in what you are going through
Find the joy in where life is taking you
Take responsibility for staying true to yourself and making your dreams come true. No one else is going to do that for you!
Then and only then will you be comfortable and proud of yourself enough to take on each day. And even when your days aren’t crazy exciting or changing the world in exactly the way you planned you can with confidence say you are building something, making a difference and changing the world… start first with yourself, and the change you want to see in the world will follow.
Tears people… now we have tears of pure joy!
P.S. I’m still not crazy about baby/toddler groups or your baby so don’t ask!
This weekend Steve and I got to go away with other 20-30 year olds from Colchester for a weekend away of camping and reconnecting with God. The weekend was brilliantly organized and I give a big up to everyone that helped make it happen.
Part of the weekend we got to get together and listen to a guy named Chris share his thoughts on a couple different faith ideas. During one of the talks we got to talking about how important it is to see people the way that God sees them. Its easy to see people the way society sees them, the single mom, the sick neighbour, the junkie, the unemployed, the freaky artist, the over-the-top gamer, the alcoholic, the rude gardener, the obsessed sports man. Its easy to just take people at face value and never give them another thought.
But we were really challenge to stop and see people the way God would. How do you do that!?!? sometimes its quit hard, but if we believe that God is a Good God, then the things he creates (humans included) also have good in them. So what really makes these people tick? We were encouraged to give people a second look and to let ourselves notice people.... really notice them and try and find the good that God created them to be a part of.
Chris also challenged us, that a big purpose of being a Christian, or a Christ-Follower, is about taking the goodness of God and speaking him out to the people around us, to our family, our friends, our work places, or holidays, were we shop, our neighbours.
But some of us quickly reminded him that some of those places are off limits to God and that unless we want to become a bad taste in people mouths we can't just go around telling people what God wants for them and what He thinks of them.
He then reminded us that as Christians seeing people the way God does (seeing the good in people) and having the guts to speak that out as encouragement and motivation to people, is the best way to take God into places that we thought was impossible to take God into.
Chris asked us to think of a time when someone said something encouraging to us. Go ahead... can you think of a time when someone said something to you that really encouraged you?
It marked you didn't it!?!?
If you remember it, then it did and it probably had something to do with shaping you into the positive version of yourself that you are becoming. If people can have such an impact on you, speaking out what they think of you, how much more of an impact can hearing what God has to say to you impact you for the better?
In the most basic form we can take God to places we though was impossible simply by saying positive, encouraging, up lifting things to the people around us. We can only do this when we challenge ourselves to really see the people around us. Paying people comments isn't something we do well as a society, taking God into the places around you simply by speaking out the good you see in people is a great place to start.
As Christians we believe that God speaks to us. That he has things that he wants to say to us. As a leader of a Prayer Community I would say that I define prayer as simply having a conversation with God. Conversations are not one sided.... its not just about one side (humans) asking all the questions or doing all the talking. A conversations is when both parties (human + God) take the time to tell each other what they are thinking and going through AND also listening to what the other side has to say.
When was the last time you did that with God... when was the last time I DID THAT WITH GOD!?!?!
I feel really challenged by this. I need to be seeing people the way God does, really taking notice of them and then talk about them with God. Seeing what God thinks about that person and ask what he might want to say to the people around me and then have the guts to tell people the Good that God wants to speak into their lives.... and let that mark them... in the great, good way that God marks people with his Love and Grace!
I'm not totally there on the last part. I don't often feel challenged to go up to the people around me and say "God wanted me to tell you this..." but I think I can start being more intentional about taking notice of people and noticing the good in them and then speak that out to them as encouragement. God's Kingdom Come!
We have ideas about how we would love to live with people, but its not about having all the rules or ideas or types of people you would live with sorted out. Sometimes it just about sharing life. I think we were created that way as humans... to love being with other humans (I know there are some people out there that don't like to have any human contact... so this is a bit general... I know). But there is this great sense of life when humans get together... a great sense of beauty.
Right after we moved into our new place our new roomie Tracy invited us to join her and her family that was visiting for one of our first shared meals together. There wasn't enough "traditional space" for all of us to eat up at a table, but this didn't stop us. Tracy whipped out a blanket and said that we would have dinner picnic style. She then served us this lush meal of chicken, potatoes, salad and of course garlic bread (now we know it was a good thing). In an easy moment, it felt like we were all of the same place, the same family, the same purpose.... eating and sharing life together connected us in a way that was extremely basic and at the same time extremely complex... the beauty of being human is that there are loads of these moments that at face value are completely basic yet if you look a bit deeper are highly complex.
People have to eat to live... yet people live to eat as well. Its a basic need for survival, yet a time that humans use to connect, to love on each other, to include, to grow, to connect with each other, to be creative, to experiment!
Really what I am trying to say is that loads of people thought we were nuts for giving up our own personal space to go and live with a neighbour. They thought we would hate it because we would have to share things and hide away and work to keep things seperated. Yet in reality (well thus far... which I should remind you we have lived here for two weeks so it is still early days!).... but in reality, as I sat around that picnic blanket spread out in the living room, surrounded by a family that oddly felt like mine, I experienced the beauty of communal living, of sharing things, of opening ourselves up to life and people that are around us... and it is a great great beautiful thing!
Can you blieve it but Steve and I have been living in our First Home for 19 months. I remember when I migrated over to Enlgand 20 months ago to marry steve. Within the first day of being here Steve walked me over to our little flat. He of course had sent me gobs of photos and epic facebook messages describing our first little "flat" (ooo "flat" how english and adorable!), but it was absolutely amazing to walk into our little flat and be thinking "I'm going to live every day here with my best friend, I'm going to be a wife here, GREAT memories are going to happen here!"...
Steve had bought us a few bits of life furniture, a bed and a kitchen side trolly, besides that it was completely empty.... I walked in and he had a card, flowers and a bottle of wine all by the bed... I knew life was going to be amazing. And it has been. Our start here in England has been epic.
Whenever we stop and think about what we have gotten to do here I am like "Damn, life is big and I love being in the thick of it".
A few months after we moved in I finally convinced steve to nail up all these pictures we had of ourselves from our wedding (it possibly boardered on creepy self shrine, but we were too in love to care so we got away with it!). After he 'ruined' the wall with all those damaging and deposit risking nail holes (his words not mine!), he decided to turn the surrounding walls into a bit of a memory wall. Before either of us knew it our little wall of memories has grown into this massive mural of happiness.
Invites to parties, poetry events, poster from friends who had visted winston church hill war museum, maps from our charleston mini american vacation, receipts from ordering food in kosovo, my graduation cap, movie ticket stubs, house concert invites, more poetry events, my kate nash poster that asked steve to marry me on it, music festival tickets, towie tour tout... Whenever we did something we loved we tried to bring back a bit of memorabilia that could be stuck up on our wall. Secretly it was my favorite part of our nest.
This week it came down.
It only took 20 min and now it's blank again.
I didn't help take it down. But watching it come down had to be one of my least favorite moments.
I love our life. Its been so good. What garentee do I have that we wont leave the good behind? That what we had was as good as it gets?
The next day I walked by that same wall. That same blank wall that had me the day before being bitchy and moody because I struggle with change and hold on to things to tightly and possibly have unhealthy love attachements to inaimate object and at the end of the day still regularly pinch myself becaue I can't believe that Steve fell in love with me and that we are getting to live out a real life happily ever after ****deep breath in**** AND I was excited.
I AM excited... for a new wall. For the promise of a furutre. For the chance to do more! To do different! To fill a new empty until it is over flowing and frost my new life with a similar joy! The beauty of life is not that I capture a bit of it and hold it so tight that it never changes, but that I grab on to this wild, uncontrolled forces that pulls me and keeps pulling me forward (and possibly up!?!). All I have to do is hold on and enjoy the ride.
Sometimes it's messy, sometimes it's unexpected, sometimes it's hell'ava lot harder than I anticipated. But I have definiately learned that God certainly does work all things together for good of those who love him and listen to Him calling and asking to do life with Him.
And now we are getting ready to move into another unknow. A beautiful neighbour named Tracy has invited Steve and I to come live with her for the next 6 months. She lives just across the square from where we are now. She has such a lovely soul. We went to her house today and started measuring the room and talking through how we are going to move our things in. Tracy is quality. She has put up hooks for us, bought a spare freezer and is even letting us store all our over flow crap in her garage.
It will be a new adventure for us all. Steve and I are excited to investigate what living with someone else as a married couple is like and Tracy is preping for having more 'noise' around her! We don't know how it will go, but the uncertainty of it almost makes it more awesome. Change or not here we come!
But even in these moments of being really excited to move on I still find a bit of me holding on to our first little nest. The perfect patch for two. Out Lawton Mafia Hideout. I don't want to let go and at the same time I am ready to jump.
So, if you see me at the end of this week standing on an empty staircase at number 12 Memnon Court looking up and possibly hiding a tear or two just remind me that the memories of the past are just the beginng and for God's sake never forget to keep looking up!
You know this whole 'moving to England to be with the love of my life' has been awesome... but the one down side is that more often then not I feel like an 'outsider' rather then an 'insider'.
Most the time I completely don't even notice because I love learning new things and meeting new people... However!! I've gotten used to really noticing this feeling in extreme cases of exclusion or clued-outness (mostly conversation topic wise).
I must admit I wasn't fully prepared for the positive awesome feeling of experiencing, not the out-ness of an outsider, but the In-ness of an insider!
The other day when Claire (my husbands eldest sister) called me and said that Denise (his mom) and Hannah (his litter sister) were wondering if they could come to Colchester to celebrate Claire's birthday with me over a lunch or tea I have never felt like more of an INSIDER!! in my whole life!
It was in that moment that I realized I'm not just some girl that came to live with some boy in England trying my best to be some version of a good wife. But I am actually someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend.
They didn't have to consider me. For a long time its just been the three ladies of their family... but they chose to remember me.
I miss my American family every day. They know and understand a part of me that not many people will ever experience. They can NEVER be replace. But I love that they showed me a love that wasn't limited but constantly expanding!
So that in moments like these I can learn to love more, learn to be family more!
Love isn't divided; it's multiplied!
I can't thank steve's family enough for never making me feel like an outsider, but always... ALWAY making me feel like the ultimate insider as a sister and daughter!
I heart my growing family!
So going a bit off the "olympic" theme ... here in Colchester they (the town) are holding a competition for local schools to build a time capsule in honor of the olympics. The idea is that you have to put 10 items into a box that describes the "essence" of Colchester.
What things tell the story of Colchester? What items do Colchester-vites always have with them? What places are most frequently visited? What types of things can the people of Colchester not live without?
I know this is a kids thing, but every sense I heard about it I couldn't stop thinking... What if i made a time capsule of my time here in Colchester... What 10 objects would tell the story of my life here in Colchester? So here are the 10 things I would put in my time capsule to describe my life here in colchester: (in no particular order)
1. empty brie cheese wrapper
2. carrot seeds
3. library card
4. wine glass
5. copy of my wedding vows
6. union jack tea mug
7. bike chain
8. umbrella
9. prayer fairy lights
10. I heart my Mac car bumper sticker
I help organize a few learning sessions for our community. I have this deep desire to see the Bible be really fresh for all people, no matter age, race, sex, culture, education or family. For people to see it, not as stories of generations past for generations past, but as stories from past generation that give incredible life to today's generations.
One practice I just did with our community was taking time to re-imagine the scene of particular Bible stories. This is done by reading a story from the Bible. Pausing to creatively imagine how those characters and places would be in our culture and experiences. Then writing down this imaginary take to help set up the scene and connection to story characters. This is done either by describing the setting through explaining smells, sounds, visuals, textures and tastes and/or developing the character through detailed description of physical appears, personality, emotional state of being etc. All based off our imagination.
Below is an example of this exercise. I highly recommend it as it worked really well in my experience.
Based on Raising Widows Dead Son, Luke 13:10-17
**I played an instrumental song (like 'Una Mattina' by Ludovico Einaudi) softly in the background as I found it really helped my creativity and connection**
1. Read Luke 7: 11-15 quietly to yourself
16-17They all realized they were in a place of holy mystery, that God was at work among them. They were quietly worshipful—and then noisily grateful, calling out among themselves, "God is back, looking to the needs of his people!" The news of Jesus spread all through the country.
2. Pause take the time to use your imagination to connect to the story.
Where would the place this story have taken place looked like? smelled like? would it have been light or dark? was it loud or quiet? what color could have been there? What would the woman have been like? Does she remind you of anyone you personally know? where would she have been coming from? What emotional baggage would she be carrying? What type of physical conditions would she be feeling? What kind of clothes would she be wearing? Write this down to create your fresh take on this bible story.
3. Then read your imaginary description based offer your personal experiences and culture out loud to begin to prepare you for a re-freshening of the bible and that particular story. You might need to repeat the music or choose a couple songs to last this whole process.
Example:
I
sat waiting inside. The crowd was already starting to gather outside. But I
preferred the dark. I fiddled absentmindedly with the dark material of my
dress. The sad saggy shape of my dress definitely mirrored the heaviness of my
soul. How had this happened to me… again? The chilling similarity of this day
to the day that I buried my husband sent both shivers of fear and anger down my
spin. I swore I would never weep like I did that day. Lucky for me I can keep
that promise to myself, as I have no tears left to cry. The dryness of a soul
from crying is a pain on one should feel; yet I find myself for the second time
in my life feeling it. The smell of death hung as an itchy incense in my home.
… My home… I curled over in gut wrenching sorrow. When my husband and I moved
into this home we had such hopes for the life’s we would live there… the full
life of loving each other, having kids, raising them together, enjoying
grandchildren… now we would have nothing. I thought I was going to be sick. I
stood up quickly and walked over the kitchen and hung my head over the sink. I
let my head rest against the cool counter. Every muscle in my body wanted me to
curl up in a corner and never leave… how would I make this walk; this horrible
walk of accompany my sons lifeless body to his final resting place? Pain has
sucked away all my strength… God how am I to walk?5. Reflect on these three question to further deepen your encounter with Jesus through the bible.
A. How do you relate to the character in this story?
B. What does it tell you about Jesus?
C. Can you see God's Kingdom in this Story?
About Me
- Teen Bean
- I'm just some regular girl trying her best to be a good friend, woman, christ-follower, wife, mom and adventurer (in no particular order). I love variety, trying new things and meeting new people and sharing experiences with others. All of which in one form or another can be found in this space. WELCOME!
Heart Heart Time!
Stevie and Beanie
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