so i found my journal the other day and have spent the last couple of days laughing, head shaking, and crying over the journey i have been through... no way was i that person just under a year ago... but i was really touched by a memory i wrote that happened to me in January 2009... it a good story so i thought i would share how i re-capped one of the most meaningful weekends of my transit year out!

Holy Spirit

I wanted to connect more with the holy spirit, but besides praying more giving up my life to volunteer with a prayer movement, and changing my whole lifestyle, i was at a loss. how do i dig in more??

Then Sunday Natalie Godward spoke on the importance of developing our relationship with the holy spirit. how we should be praying to him and allowing him to have more space in our lives. It all sounded so good, as i sat there at TCF i knew i wanted more, with my whole heart. I walked with about 5 other people to be prayed for. i could tell there was a hunger inside me, a determination, but again something was holding me back. Janet Godward was so encouraging with her prayer. And the good side of me wanted to have those things she spoke, i wanted them to be realities in my life - But i couldn't feel it. I held back i know i did.

i was scared of what i wanted and feared what i didn't know. The unexpected side of the holy spirit was not only a mystery to me, but a standard i couldn't reach. I spent the rest of the day quite disappointed with myself for holding back yet again. But the moment had passed so what could i do.

Monday i came into transit teaching not expecting much. In fact sense i knew Pete Grieg (the big man at 24-7 Prayer) was coming i expected to be disappointed. (i am quite cynical at times). But did he come with guns blazing. The topic was spiritual gifts and he hammered away the importance of the holy spirit being personal, about the power he give, about how we are like cups with holes in them that leak holy spirit out and we have to constantly be seeking to be filled or we will go bone dry. to end he talked about receiving certain gifts. He asked if anyone wanted to receive the gift of prophesy. About 4 people raised their hands. i wanted to, but i already had decided my holy spirit time had come and gone... After prayer he asked the 4 people to give prophesies. Carrolyn and Gemma both said their prophesies involved me.

Carolyn comments how i shouldn't fear my dreams and how through christ i can dream big, trust him and be free. Pete grieg goes on to say how i am not 2nd best how i can dream and be like the people i admire so much.

By this point i've recoiled so far into myself i am scared i have turned inside out and that everyone knew and saw the horrible wretched person i was. we prayed longer and it was some of the most painful moments i've had in a really long time. my pain spilled out of my eyes, while i desperately tried to contain it. The group wanted to pray for me, but i didn't trust them, or me, or mostly what the holy spirit was wanting... so i said "no".

the moment finally came when i was free to leave and i never packed so quickly in my life and just ran home. but even at home i couldn't settle. I convinced myself if i went for a run it'd be like i was running to God. But i wasn't running to him, in reality i was running away. The longer and harder i physically ran the further i stepped into darkness. i was running up this dark hill into one tree hill... i just kept thinking "if i get to the park... i'll meet God there", but i couldn't run anymore and it was too dark. Something just kept screaming "Go home" and finally i listened...

I quite running and began walking home. and what a link my physical and spiritual journey had. In that moment i gave up running the moment i accepted the reality that i was not strong enough to make it to a place i wanted in the holy spirit. That i had to just stop trying so hard to let go of my physical strength ... it all scared me bad!!

see i didn't believe i was fully wanted by God. I thought he considered me to much of a failure. oh how it stung for me to think that God was about to find out,not only how great i fail, but that my biggest failure lied in loosing the special gift of the holy spirit. But i was broken and right there on southend road the fear and emptiness was completely exposed to God.

for the first time in a really long time i let the holy spirit see the inside of me. i was so scared he would punish me or i would loose control or he would abandon me... but He didn't!

As i stood there honestly asking if the holy spirit, and really the whole of who God is, if he still fit in me... all i wanted was a sign... all i could think about was that moment in the bible when the apostles were surrounded by the holy spirit and there was fire above their heads... i remember thinking... if only i saw a flame i would know God is real and fits in me... as i gazed over a dark field and finished that thought a flame ignited... from where at that moment i had no idea (now i know it was the shell plant thingy!!) ... but it sent shivers down my spine... and in that moment i realized, that my needs are being met daily. Then a soft whisper asked... "did you really need that silly sign to now i am real?" and honestly i could answer "no"

the holy spirit was so gentle with me as he filled me with all of who he is. it was as sweet, if not sweeter then the moment that surrounded me on the day i became a believer and even topped my baptism. The fear, that deep fear of being second best, of failing God by loosing the gift of the holy spirit... it was completely replaced by a deep sense of peace and love and blessing.

i walked with the holy spirit that night, we chatted in the sweetest of ways, our relationship has shot to a new understanding of each other....

making an effort to build a personal relationship with the holy spirit has made all the difference...

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ha! re-reading this i just cried... i am so weak these days!

thanx God and essex you made all the difference!