my rough draft of my thesis is done....

i have surrivied the most manic month of my life ever.... from hosting my friend laura, to helping my church Scum plan vision and mission meetings, to having my brother and his gf come, to laying down over 100 pages of a thesis, to celebrating my hunny-loves 29th birthday, to applying for visa applications, to booking tickets to England....

and there is still another week left...

as a side note... the "active" life of a thesis writer has left me 10 pounds heavier.... and vastly out of shape... or more shapely (however you want to call it)... went to the gym for the first time today...

Jess (my roomie) and I both kept saying over and over... "i can't wait until we have more time to waste at the gym"... it does the body good...

21 days until grad school finishes

29 days until i fly to England to see my stevie

45 days until I graduate

128 days until my last day of work at Evergreen hospital

138 days until I MARRY STEPHEN JAMES LAWTON!!!


one big final count down!!

A friend has come to visit me from Chicago. I really enjoy hosting people, and even though a serious of misfortune events does seem to follow us where ever we go, we are fully enjoying getting to re-know each other despite an almost 3 years separation from our college-glory days.

most of our conversations revolve around boys, relationships, and confusion. I must admit for the first time I find myself in a different and slightly awkward position then I ever have been in before... I'm not the girl pining away over a lost love, nor the girl disappointed by inevitable let down, nor even the girl nervously trying to ignore a ridiculous crush... I am simply and completely happy in love...

my friend, though supportive often finds this a tad irritating and annoying (though I have to give her props, Steve is always on my mind... and we all know from experience whatever is on my mind usually is what I am talking about :P)

However, the intensity of 'loves had' and 'loves lost' has never been more present then in my recent conversations.

We spoke today at length on how groups of good girlfriends can (or can not) have serious partners with out compromising their current girl friendships. How can a normal girl that is use to 'understanding' the plights and woes of the young single woman suddenly trade sides in the middle of the game? Have I let down my fellow female comrades by so easily and completely falling in love with the man of my dreams?

How can one girl give her whole heart over to a man and still have anything more to give to her friends? Does a girl inevitably have to choose... whoes verses bros?

I must admit this slightly had my mind in a tizzy. My life, by definition and call, has been about my girlfriends. I pride myself on being able to make any girl, not just a friend but a best friend. I don't take friendship lightly. If I count you as a friend, its more then just a matter of having your back... it a depth of loyalty that knows no ends. For 25 years my girlfriends were the only ones that shared my burdens, supported my fears, developed my 'mother hen' caring tactics... with out my girls I wouldn't know up from down....

so, have i done them a dishonor by falling so deeply and perfectly in love with a man?

I considered for a moment some of those fist pumping overly feminist rallies I went too in college and the multiple late night gab session my lady friends and I regularly shared, and my curiosity increased.

By all means, I had multiple examples of how girls could start dating boys only to drop completely out of their regular social circles to focus their attention on a boyfriend relationship... I had seen the damage of those types of girls actions to their girl group of friends...the hurtful loss... and I was bound never to be that girl.

As my friend and I sat on the ferry bound for Seattle, we talked about if the love between a man and a woman should be different then the love between a woman and her core group of friends. I was surprised by this idea of two loves. I had thought for so long that love was just love. Yet, the more I spoke with my friend, the more I realized the different types of love that exist in this world.

I deeply love my fiance and soon to be husband Steve.

I also deeply love my girlfriends.

As our conversation was coming to a close I realized how silly we had been the whole time trying to hash out who becomes more loved in a woman's life... I realized we were silly, because me falling desperately in love with Steve only makes me a better woman. It makes me more understanding, loyalty, well-spoken, gentle, peaceful, strong, careful, fearless and soooo many other powerful characteristic...

The reality is... for all of my 25 years of growing up, before I met my fiance, my relationship with my girlfriends was helping me become a women that would be better at loving him... and now for the last two years and hopefully for the next 100+++ years my relationship with my fiance and soon to be husband will be helping me become a better woman that is more capable of loving my girlfriends.

If I were to stop loving Steve with my everything, it would hinder my ability to more fully and completely love the woman God has so wonderfully allowed me to befriend... and that just can't happen!

My relationship with my fiances is wildly different then my relationship with my girlfriends...but because both are founded on God's love ... they support and nurture each other.

There is no limit to love... the more I love.... the more I am capable of loving.

another section of my thesis finished. My goal this week is to finish another section by the end of this week. Then I only have two more to finish. wow time is running out fast....

but i am enjoying the process.... and, i think, learning lots!