i should break up with me and shelve the leader dream!

Posted by Teen Bean

You know when you say something about the church... expect there to be consequences.

i've learned a valuable lesson over the last two days and these are the following reason that i am breaking up with myself:

#1. I'm Self Motivated: i don't want to build the church for Christ sake. I want to be about adventure. Love has never been a motivator... let alone the authentic love of chirst. I don't even understand the love of Christ... let alone the ability to reflect it.

#2 I'm arrogant: i have no ability to speak in love. I don't even understand the concept. Humility to me means Humiliation. I've never want or desired after it. To be humble like they speak about in the bible, is something that is going to take me my whole life to master...

#3 I cause conflict: I have little if any ability to be a peace maker. I don't bring unity. Disagreements, conflict, and discord follow me ever where i go... because i bring them... no even worst i create them.

#4 I desire fame: nothing about anything i have ever done has been for any other reason that making myself look good. not for the sake of Christ, but for the sake of approval by the people i live around. I think at this moment in time i care more about hearing "well done" from man then "well done" from God.

..... a moment of pause....

now i understand why my life is the way it is.

i lack the internal drive of what makes a good leader a great leader and that is a true love of God.

I think out of everyone that comment on my last blog post Brian hit the nail right on the head. I am in no place to say anything about church, relationships, or leadership.... i barely know how to love God.

I had a great conversation today with Jon Petersen (24-7 Prayers community leader). I asked him for reasons that communities fail... he had 4 reason to give

1. Motivation for adventure over Motivation to Love
2. Arrogance
3. Disunity
4. Focus on outward forms

I sit here absolutely ashamed. As i hold up the reasons for community failure to my true life motivators, is it any surprise that the reflection i am staring into screams... Epic Fail!?!

hmm i'm not depressed, im just exhausted. It took so much work to get me this far... and now im just seeing i've only just begun. I don't have time to lead or pioneer anything... its going to take me my whole life to get a handle on this. so, maybe in another 25 years i'll crack open some of the question i have right now about church, leadership, and God... till then i'm taking a back seat for a while... i've got a lot of catching up to do....

breaking up with me is taking all that ii used to find identity in and letting christ be that identity... what the hell does that look like?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at Wednesday, January 20, 2010 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


Hey Tina!

Don’t be so hard on yourself! I so identified with a lot of the things you had to say in your last post. I think you follow God with such a raw passion. Sometimes it can be hard when you are ready to go deeper, and other people are just happy being mediocre.

I think one of the hardest things to do is to examine our own motives. The heart can be an ugly selfish place. I appreciate your honesty as you have gone through that process. It’s obvious that God has placed some dreams and plans in your heart. Don’t STOP! Learn from the process, move on…and grow!

January 21, 2010 at 2:13 AM

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