The days move me closer and closer to my wedding day. Like any girl, I find this one of the most exciting most anticipated days of my life. However as the days move closer and closer and I spend more and more time trying to organize the day that is suppose to be "the most memorable day of my life"... I started subconsciously taking on all these weird pressures that I haven't let bother me in years.
It was weird how I started marking beauty more by the style of my dress, the size of my body, and the awareness of name brand accessories. I started comparing myself more then I have in years to what the world says is pretty. This planted and nurtured a panic state of fear that like grew like Seymour's Venus fly trap and started to swallow my sense of sanity and contentment.
All climaxed yesterday when I felt so unpretty and un "ready" to be that beautiful bride that I ran out in a panic to see if I could fix myself. The horrible feeling at the end of that day was that nothing in the greater Seattle downtown could fix what the world was telling me was wrong with me in one day. I came back feeling more scared and let down then ever.
Today, Steve shared with me a poem that he wrote... It beautify reminded me about how our fear of fitting in is the biggest inhibitor to reaching the hopes we dream of. Smack dab in the middle of his poem Steve writes about God's love for us... that we are beautiful despite what the world says we have to be, what size or shape we should be, what clothes we wear, or how socially acceptable we are... that Christ loved us first because to him we are beautifully and wonderfully made...
I cried. Like the big, over-stressed, manic, crazy girl I am. And it felt good. From God's heart, to Steve's lips, to my head! I so needed to hear that. So in the battle to be what the world says is pretty vs. what I feel is me ... I think I am finding myself more and more ready to "trash the dress" and be the messy, manic, normal, crazy ME
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on Thursday, May 26, 2011
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