Seattle has been beyond wonderful. In fact, my life in general has been beyond easy. I know that ease is not, in and of itself, evidence that God is about something, but in my case i find that often when God opens doors for me, he also tends to give me a little shove. i can really live in the moment of life and get very involved/ attached to certain things, which is great for the moment of living... but uber hard to let go of.

I've lived this summer throwing around the proud statement that i am "following the call of God"... that "he wants me to move to Seattle" that "I am surrendering my life to God"... but i didn't really feel like i was. i felt way more like i had just let someone tie my hands together and blind fold me. that with out much of a fight i was just being dragged to this place... and for what?

It's hard, having this way of living, a flow, a rhythm... and then having it taken away. But not in an all bad way... i think over all i really thought that I could have two worlds. That i could live in one world, and let my heart stay in another. But i'm one person and my heart only has one heart beat. I'm not responsible for the life my heart has... Christ gave me that life... and i want to live for him. But how do i do that?

I've met some pretty phenomenal christian sense coming to this part of America.. each one has blown my mind at the

way they surrender fully to Christ, but the most soul shaking one of all had to come in the form of a slightly stooped, ADD, retired minister. an old friend of our family, Grandpa B, his gentle excitement to "show us around" has made every day seem like a grand adventure. one night he took us out to dinner and in the way only an old retired minister can, let his mind down shift into I swear a sermon he must have preached a million times. In a firm and loving way he started describing the wonder of Jesus. The hugeness of what our Christ is and what he did for us. He was so passionate and wanted us to fervently understand how much our big papa God loved us... so with cool and deeply wise blue eyes he locked straight into soul as he said "God loved you so much that he gave the life of Jesus, his only son, to save your life"

he could tell i was letting that ever familiar reference to John 3:16 roll away like water off a ducks back... so with out pausing he continued and said "you know the Greek word for give means 'not expecting it back'..."

then it hit me... Wot!?!? God gave up his son with the attitude that he might never get him back... and he did that to save my life... in the moment that God gave up the life of Jesus the rest of the story that we all know (that Jesus conquered death) hadn't been written... in the moment our Father God made the decision to Give his son, he did so fully.... not expecting to ever get him back.

It hit me then... i say i surrender every day to Christ. I surrender my dreams, my expectations, my hope... to live for Christ... but do i really!?!? Do i give them over to God in the same manner that God gave!!?! with the attitude of not expecting anything back. I haven't...

so as i sit here in Seattle... watching the sun set, thinking that i have been living that life of faith... i realize how much i need to take a step back. That if i really am going to 'surrender' to God, it means giving in the same way he did... letting go ... and not expecting to get them back...

giving up my dreams of my prayer house, my england, my friends, my loves... my everything... but not with the strings of "well, whenever i want them i can just get them back" but fully give them... FULLY!

big sigh... i'm not there, but i'll work on it...