so i think this picture is pretty representative of where my life is headed... see here i am sitting in my room. i've been sitting here for a couple hours now... my head is still dealing with flu fogginess... but from my room you can see to the room across the hall. Last month i was so pumped to changed that into a prayer space... which i did... even put up a bit of "prayer material" to make it authentic (on the advice of a veteran prayer spacer).. yet ... you see that paper on the ground... yep thats the prayer wall... fell down a couple days ago... i've been to ill to put it up and now i think... "hmmm this prayer space stuff isn't working here."
then today i got an e-mail about moving to this place on the other side of town. seems pretty cool.. a place all to myself. i could do that. so i'm going on sunday to check it out. Me, my own place.. thats happened... oh yeah never! and now i think "hmm this community living stuff just isn't working here."
so while the only things i want to do are falling quietly out of my hands, all i can do is sit and watch..
and i'm praying and praying and praying for the dreams i have and every month i watch another part of my dream just fall...
So... I'm done here. Not in a pathetic "lets end life" sort of way...
i'm just done with the whole hyper-over-the top-crazy-prayer-god-street-difference-making-movement thing that is obviously not sweeping the west coast. maybe this other direction isn't so bad. i don't know i've not tried walking down it.
what does it feel like to serve God and not be crazy obsessed with prayer spaces, street ministry, and community living? Cuz i'm about to enter that. I'm done asking for community living and a prayer house and people to pray with and people to join in some hard core street ministry with...
i'm not that girl anymore... nope.
my prayers are getting boring. i ask for the same things all the time.... and you know what its just starting to feel selfish. so i'm done. God knows where i am... and if he wants me to be about something... then he is gunna have to like say what that is because... as of now... freak i feel like i'm just doing my own thing anyways....
and don't freak out... i'm not saying i'm done with God or anything... i mean its beyond me right now... but i don't know why God would ask me to lay down my love of making prayer spaces, and being about a prayer house, and community living... to leave it all behind and just enter into a completely new and potentially very lonely way of living, but he is ... so
with my bunny slippers loosely on my feet, my prayer space self breaking down, and an appointment to move out on my own... i say with a heavy heart...
i'm done.
p.s. and to my friends who this whole prayer space making, community, effective street ministry things is totally working.... i'm in no way trying to say this should stop or that i am not about it... (in fact i'm a little jealous of you...) but i'm just realizing maybe my lifestyles isn't meant for it.... ahhhh break my heart!! is this really possible!?!? well we are about to see...
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